Fat gets exiction notice.

I recall my college days when there was a thing known as "the Freshman 15". What that pretty much means is that you'll gain 15 pounds due to the overconsumption of beer and other substances that make ya pudgy. And sure enough, I saw plenty girls and guys plump out their first year. Some more than others. At the time I was still in the military, so was able to pig out and burn all that nasty stuff off.

Years later, things have changed. And I wasn't prepared for them. No one told me about the, "got a girl and now you're a lazy fuck" fat. And I'm a victim of it, and was not even aware. How'd this come to be? Why'd it take me so long to figure out what was going wrong?

Here I was last week, taking a leak and I realized something. I can't see my dick. What the heck's up with that? Maybe I'm exaggerating a bit, but looking straight down I couldn't see my manhood. I had to bend forward a few inches to catch a glimpse.

Still in utter amazement, I walked over to our full length mirror in the bedroom and I recieved my confirmation. I indeed have become a bit of a fat fuck. And I'm not pleased. And here I was critising my fiancee for her weight and I was letting myself slip as well.

So today I decided to do something about it. I've already been periodically running on the treadmill for two weeks now, but I wanted to up the scale a bit. So I decided to start doing some pushups and situps. There was a time I could do 50 of each in a single sitting and go on about my day. So how did I add up today against that?

29 situps
2 pushups

Can you believe that shit?!??! 2 stinkin' pushups!!!!

I am not a happy camper. And I won't be a content fat camper either. So this fats gotta go, and in return I'm opening occupancy for some lean muscle. So if you know of any, be sure to send it my way.

And to satisfy my ego that I think you guys actually give a hoot about my losing these excess weight and gaining my strength back, I'll be periodically posting my performance. And get that smile off your face. I'm already disgusted about those 2 tiddly pushups.

My Clone and Me

I like myself. Granted there are some things that I work to change, but overall I'm pleased with who I am.

But today at the grocery story I bought a clone of myself. Identical me. Took 10 minutes to create me. And I must say, I'm a good looking gent when checking myself out.

A thought crossed my mind as me and my clone walked across the grocery store parking lot and back to the car. "Am I going to like this dude?"

On the way to the car neither one of us talked to each other yet. I mean what is it that we have to say. At this point everything he knows I know. As I headed to the driver's side door I realized that my clone was headed that way too. We both like to drive and be in control of any vehicle we take out on the road. I conceded and let my clone drive hoping there wasn't any disfunction in his genetic makeup.

"Be careful', was my first words to him.

"Dude, you know I am", came his reply.

Do I really sound like that? I always thought I sounded bolder. It must be just him. After all, I can't expect a copy to be just like me? Can I?

As we were driving, I realized how shitty of a driver my clone was. I always thought I was the safest driver in the world, but this clude has one hand on the steering wheel and the other drinking out of my soda. My Soda!!

"Dude, that's mine," I expelled grabbing the bottle from his hand before his backwash would go back in the bottle.

"Gimme a million breaks," my clone defended. "From my point of view this is my soda."

He had a point. Our genes were identical. But just the thought of another person's backwash in my soda was not something I can jive with. But maybe he was a bit thirsty from the cloning process, so I handed the bottle back to him.

After finishing the soda and tossing it on the floor by my feet, he chuckled. "What do yo think Krista is going to say about you?"

About me? Heck this dude's the clone. But I suppose she might get ticked off that she's going to have to deal with two of us now. And it was my money that was spent on this whole cloning deal. Damn product placement. I went in to buy some milk and carrots, and come out with a clone.

"Heck I was thinking we didn't have to tell her," I answered. "I was just figuring..."

"...that the clone go out there nasty and the original could stay at home and raise the family. And maybe once in awhile, we'd switch off." the clone finished my thought.

Before I questioned how he knew that I realized that he shared all my thoughts up until the point of the actual cloning process. "Kinda sounds stupid now that we're both here eh? I love Krista just as much as you. And if you're not going to cheat on her, then why the heck do you think I would be willing to?" my clone concluded the thought.

My clone poised a good question. And he knew that I knew it was a good question. After all, I'm good at asking good questions, and I wouldn't expect anything less from my clone.

"I was figuring since that I'm the one engaged to her..."

My clone darted a look over to me completely ignoring the road. "What? Wait, wait, wait...."

Putting his attention back on the traffic, he slowed down and pulled over to the road. He looked back at me, "Look, we might be the same, but from this point on we can't obviously live the same."

"Your point?" I asked with a raised eyebrow.

"I'm sure you're not going to want to hear this as I know I wouldn't want to here it, but dude, you're a fucking clone. My life is my life. You were just an impulse purchase that I thought would be cool to have around."

I looked at my clone in horror at what he disclosed to me. It was at that point I felt something dangling from my ear. Reaching up I yanked it off in my confused fury. In my hands I held a price tag. My God, I'm the clone.

**********************************************************************************

Moral of the story?

Human cloning sucks.

A Growing Army of One

A Fresh Start

Money for College.

A Great Addition to a Resume.

These are the reasons kids enter today's military by the thousands. And luckily for most of them, the Army makes good on their promises. But the reasons today are drastically different from those of before, and I feel an uneasy presense of the hearts of those who are currently fighting our "war" against Iraq.

My grandpa and his brother-in-law both fought in WW II. Eddie, the brother-in-law, fought on the front lines of the Army's Infrantry and took out opposing Nazi pillboxes. He was injured in combat, sent back to the med center to get doctored up, and before he was fully recovered he demanded that he return to the front lines. His reason, "The guys needed him."

The all needed each other. There was such a powerful bond that connected the hearts of many during those turbulent years. They had much more to fight for. The Nazis were literally in a position to take over the world, the American economy was shaky, and the Russians always were an ever present threat to our American Way of life.

I've seen many dead faces immortalized in pictures of those that were lost in WW II. Those men truly were heroes. I've also seen the many dead faces of those that have fought in Iraq. And as much as I want to, I can't feel the same way. I don't see a hero. I see a kid who just wanted some college money and now there he is lying dead with a bullet in his head and an Baath party loyalist prancing around him.

There's something very wrong with that picture.

I don't know what we're over there fighting for and the longer we stay out there I would imagine the hearts of those that are in that war are bending to similar feelings.

Mr. Bush. Bring our boys home.

Lose Weight. Feel Great. Try Not to Die.

My day is speckled with constant advertisements to enhance this, loss that, gain this, get rid of that. And the majority of them have all one thing in common when they advertise:

They use the key words.....All Natural.

Now for some reason, people rush to the checkout lines with their arms full of things because they are under the belief that if it's all natural, it has to be good. I mean heck, if God made dirt, then dirt don't hurt right?

WRONG!!!!

Come on people let's get a bit smarter about the things we buy. I want to believe you're all logical in decisions, but at the promise of a bigger dick, firmer tits, and a body to fit in a size two dress you all seem to lose your damn sense.

But heck, I'm going to promote off this idocy too.

There's this drink I'm going to make. And guess what it's all natural. Completely straight from Mother Nature to your refrigerator. To make it easy, I'll even put it in liquid form. And this is going to be a miracle drink too. I'll give you all types of promises of miraculous changes from countless testimonies. Look for the drink in a store near you. It'll come in a flashy can, and I'll be sure to stamp, ALL NATURAL!!! right on the label. Even the name will be catchy, Urazzle Dazzle. But try not to look at the ingredient label. Cause even though this drink is all natural, you might not like the idea of it's main active ingredient: Uranium. Oh but, don't worry. If you don't want that I'll be sure to have my imitation Atkins Anthrax Bars to serve you to. Heck, I mean Anthrax is all natural too....so it has to be good.

Be mindful of what you flock to. Cause if you're just one of the sheep, you'll never realize you stampeded off the cliff with the rest until it's too late.

'Nuff said.

Employee Lies to Boss - As if that was really news.

I wanted a day off.

Mainly I needed to reset my biological sleeping clock. Working third shift screwed me up on that, so I figured if I took an extra day off this holiday weekend, I could get the sleep I needed at the proper hour I needed to set myself back on track.

Of course I needed to call into the boss at work and let them know I'm not coming in. But of course, I can't just say I'm not coming in and leave it at that. Nor could I call them and tell them the reasoning that I wanted to take that day off. (Keep in mind, I'm new to this company and don't have any paid days off that I can take.)

So what do I do?

I call my love and we devise a sinister plot to lie to my boss. But what story do I need to tell them? I already used up my liquid bowel excuse the week before when I wanted a day off, so I can't use that one again. So brainstormed for like 10 minutes then came up with our story.

Our story was that her brother came back in town from the Navy to celebrate Easter with us. He borrowed our car said he wanted to go visit some friends. And my placed me in Milwaukee with my family, which is an hour and a half away. Well her brother isn't able to be reached as his cellphone service isn't connecting him. And we have no idea where the car is so that I can get back to Janesville to get to work. Soooo, I'm not going to be able to go to work.

Now here's my gripe....

Why do I have to lie in the first place? Why can't I just say, "Hey I'm not coming in cause I'll be too tired" and leave it at that? Well I guess I could, but they won't give a shit and they'll want me to come in anyways. And what sense would that make to have a weary employee on the job. You'd think they'd want the best for me so that I can fully function properly on the job.

Stupid Corporate Politics.

Happy Easter

Whether you are celebrating the ressurection of Christ...

or are just hunting around for eggs left by the Easter bunny...

or an atheist wishing Easter would fall on Monday for the extra day off....

I wish you the very best. Enjoy your families.

"Known Murderer Free Without Trial"

As I sat upstairs enjoying my boredom, I heard harsh words of verbal discontent as my wallet came back home from the movies with her younger brother, sister, and father. It sounded as if an argument was brewing, and at least one door slammed.

My wallet stormed up the stairs and I could see that she was visibally upset about something. What followed was a brief argument due to her displacement of agression, but that's another topic for yet another day.

While calm, I asked her what was the matter? Why this agression? Who are you really mad at? She relaxed with my calm understanding, and let me know the true cause of her negativity.

Apparently, the lighter of our two fat cats, Zeus, was caught tortoring a screaming baby rabbit on the porch as they were exiting the car in the driveway. It was a horrifying event for my love as she has an attachment for animals and can't bear to see such "inhumanity". All blame went to her younger 14 year old sister as she was the one that let the cat out. And we all know what Zeus is a sadistic serial killer while outside, so we shouldn't let him out.

Something struck me as being a bit off. Zeus is a common house cat. And one thing that's known about the housecat is that they are cold blooded killers. I mean seriously, these cats kill millions upon millions of mice, birds, and other small creatures annually. They kill for the sake of pure entertainment. It's in their nature. And who are we to keep a cat from doing what it does naturally?

People create these false personafications of their domesticated animals. They want to believe they are cute and cuddly and could do no harm. But even our dog is guilty of "murdering" two members of that same rabbit family that inhabits our garden.

In my opinion, let them be as they are. Why cage them in their prison we call home? It's apparent that these animals yearn for the outside. Half the day the cats are staring out the window daydreaming of all the mice to kill. And everytime the dog hears the jingle of the car keys, he flips out in hopes that he can come along for the ride.

Anger was not the emotion my dear love should have had. Rather it should have been that of acceptance. Zeus is a crazed killer cat. I can accept that.

"Conditions of Unconditional Love"

I'm pretty sure I violated on of the sacred rules of relationships.

I've been with my wallet for three years now. We're engaged, but there is no set wedding date, nor even talks of setting a wedding date. But that's another story for another day.

I've noticed that she was starting to put on some weight. It wasn't so bad at first for the first two years as the added weight seemed to divide itself evenly over her entire body. So though, she was heavier, I really didn't take mind.

However, over the last year, the weight started giving her body new shape. Her stomach started to bulge, her legs got thicker, and her butt increased by a good 24%. Still, I put it off. Then I noticed that her face was starting to change. Her cute little head started getting rounder. That's when it really started to bother me. I kept quiet for sometime, as I know it's against all rules to never mention anything about a woman's weight. Especially the one you say you love. And I do. I tell her I love her at least a dozen times a day.

So in conversation one day, I broke one of those sacred rules. I told her that I don't think I could be in a relationship with a fat woman. I don't think I said it in those exact words as I probably said something worse like the habitual idiot I can be. Nothing overtly or covertly mean, mind you. I knew it was going to hurt her feelings, but it needed to be said. And in fact her feelings did get hurt. We talked about it briefly, and it was a difficult conversation to have. It was then that she threw out the line that sparked this topic:

"If you love me, it shouldn't matter."

I'm a bit of a realist. And I gave a typical realist response:

"Bullshit."

Love needs to come with a contract.

"I hereby do solemnly swear to love you, as long as you [state conditions here]...."

I'm not kiddin' either. I don't believe in the nature of any courtship should there be this unconditional love. I didn't say my vows yet. I didn't vow to be with her for good and the bad and all that jazz. So why shouldn't I be allowed to have conditions on our current love? I certainly would assume that she would have the same for me as well.

Let's say, I get hit by a car and I'm paralyzed for life. That's a tragic event, and maybe I'm being a bit extreme but I have a point here. She didn't sign on for that in this courtship. It would be different if we were married, but for now I couldn't blame her if she left me. Heck, I wouldn't want to wipe my paralyzed ass either if I were her.

I stuck to my guns on this issue. And we worked it out. She's going to Weight Watchers and has already lost 4 pounds. And as a testament to the idealogy that we both need to be in shape, I've begun an 8 week training for a race I'll be running on June 6.

And if anything, I think that this boosted the strength of our relationship, as we are both learning to realize that there are certain things we both need to do to keep the other happy in the relationship.

"Mankind Falls Asleep While Searching for Cure to Sleep"

"We all get 24 hours in the same day."

What a bunch of crock that is. It would be nice if it were true. But it appears that we only get 16 hours a day on average. 8 of my given hours are slept in an unconcious state. What's the deal with that? You would think that a race that can send a robot to Mars, can cure polio, can teach a gorilla sign language, can figure out how to increase the productivity of our own days.

Seriously, how inconvenient is sleep? Not only does it want us for 8 hours, but it'll take take two more of our hours as well. One to actually get tired and fall asleep, and the other to fully wake up from the burden of sleep to become fully functional again. So if I want to be that anal, I'd say we only have 14 hours a day on average.

And whatever it's supposed to be doing while we're asleep doesn't seem to be working out that well. Humans are the only creatures to go to bed awake and wake up tired? I mean this is going way to far now with this ancient form of re-energizing. They have complex cars that can recharge in a matter of hours, yet it takes a lightweight human brain 8 hours to get back on the right track.

Millions of people are already attempting to break this 8 hour mold. They are literally rebelling against sleep. This rebellion has been titled "Insomnia". And what do our so called experts do about it? Rather than seeing this as an opportuntiy to remove this burden of sleep from us, they decide to call the rebellion the "disorder." So millions of hours and dollars are spent to "cure" us from this growing rebellion. What a stinkin' waste! If they put that same effort into the development of this rebellion, we might be at a position today where sleep is merely a choice and not this ancient form of required revitalization.

This disease known as sleep isn't something that we can just will away. Now amount of "positive thinking" can rid us of this 8 hour daily plague. We need those that are educated among us to being this search for a cure. And this cure needs to be found immediately.

Why you ask? Millions of people are killed due to sleep and it's disadvantages.. Whether it be that they were unaware of medical problems while under the submission of this mind-controlling menace, or driving while under the influence of sleep's symtpoms, or even mutating into a heart-wrenching illness that takes the lives of our infant children with no explanation or reason left in it's cruel wake. This is just one small part of this destruction. I could spend hours going on about other perils such as the high unemployement rate due to millions falling asleep on the job, etc.

I for one have had enough of this barbarian. It's time to take back these 8 hours each day that are continually robbed from us literally like a thief in the night. Urge your congressman to pass a bill that will require federal funding to go to any and all medical experts that wish to join this fight.

Mankind will prevail....wide awake.

My Mind News Debuts

This is my mind. And you're getting a free all expense access pass to it. Okay, let me quit lying. You're getting a free "ad supported" access pass to it. I don't like ads anymore than you, but my wallet reminded me of how it will kick my ass if I buy one more piece of "web junk". It's interesting how my wallet's voice sounds identical to that of my fiancee. Come to think of it, they look the same too. The ads will go away when either you all pay for it, or my wallet stops giving me blowjobs.

Just like the world, my mind has a million things going on at once. So much to do. So much to see. So much to investage. So much pain. So much joy. So much love. So much hate. So much knowledge to be had. So many unknown mysteries. It's impossible to see everything out there in the world, so what do we do. We turn on CNN. There you'll get the news that's been deemed important. It's a rare thing to step into a guy's brain and start looking around. You might run into somethings that you might get you into trouble. So, naturally, I'm going to better facilitate things for you.

And thus the birth of My Mind News (MMN). It's impossible to see so much of my brain all at once everyday, so what's been deemed important is what you'll get the chance to see. Think of it as the CNN of my mind. Wait....scratch that. Come to think of it, CNN can kiss my ass with all that liberal censored crap they air. Rather, think of My Mind News as the BBC News of my brain. Where you'll get the must unfilitered truth of my brain's events as it can possibly be.