The Last Slice

You're friends are all over. The Packer game is on. Beer is flowing good, the Packers are ahead. Everything is perfect, expect one thing. You're all starving. It's time to order up some pizza. You and your friends dig into your pockets and are able to come up with enough spare change to pay for a large pizza, one topping. You find out on the phone with the pizza shop of your choice that you can now afford to add an additional topping at no extra charge. Sweet beans.

Packers score another run. Following cheesehead tradition while is only known to you and your friends, and likewise only praticed by your own crowd solely, you chug down a whole can of beer.

Pizza arrives. Delivery boy walks back smiling after you tell him to keep the change. However, once in the car he realized you meant it literally as the change from the bill only amounts to $.23.

But alas, pizza has arrived. Favre is unbeatable, the beer never tasted better and you're all about to stuff your faces. Can this day get any better. You all reach in and grab a slice. God damn, pizza never tasted so good.

Interception, Packers recover the ball. Cheers followed by more beer is well rewarded.

You're still hungry. You look down. Dammit, there's only one slice of pizza left. You mentally count to see if everyone already had an equal amount, but you're not sure. Darn, how many slices are in a pizza again? You grow silent wondering if you grab the last piece.

You notice your friends have all grown a bit uncomfortable as well. That God damn last slice. You can literally see the evil aura arise from it as it sets in. You look to your friend, he's a bit overweight. You know that fat fucker is dying to have that last slice. But he doesn't deserve it. After all, he's fat.

You see your other friend. The Jew. He doesn't deserve it either. You don't know why, but it has something to do with the fact that you're slightly drunk and that you heard on South Park that the Jews were responsible for killing Christ. Damn those Jews. He doesn't deserve it either.

60 yard gain by the Packers. They are now in range to score yet again. A few headnods of cheesehead approval, but no outward cry of brewed celebration. That damn slice of pizza has now cast it's retched spell on you three.

The pizza has been sitting there for a good half of a quarter now. The Jew speaks up, with a sweaty brow. "Uh, did someone want that last slice?"

You blurt out, "Nah, you can have it."

WHY!?!?!? Why did you say that. You immediately curse yourself quietly for your error. Your eyes burn as you glare at the Jew and his selfish ways. Damn him. Damn yourself. Damn it all.

The Jew reaches into to take the last slice.

"Dude", the blubber ass that resembles your friend utters. "Split that with me."

And what does that Messianic crucifer do? He rips it in half and gives it to the guy that could fit about 50 more slices in that bathtub he calls his stomach.

Your anger for them spills over onto yourself as you realize how pathetic you are for not taking the last slice. This is your house dammit. Your big screen TV.

Touchdown. Packers score again. Fuck Brett Favre. You're pissed.

You decide right then and their to plot their murders. The Jew and the Fatboy. Wasn't that a TV show? Well it's going to be the 9 o'clock news tomorrow.

Divorce is so Gay

Alright. I totally accept the fact all people should have certain liberties while residing in the United States as a citizen. We should have the right to vote, the right to say what we want, the right to do whatever the heck we want to do provided it is within the boundaries of decent law.

However, sometimes there are groups that just push issues for the sake of pushing issues. I don't believe they tend to think things through all the time. It's almost like they just want something done only because they are told that it can't be done.

Prime example, would be the homosexuals. They want their equal rights. They want to legally be able to marry each other. Holding hands and vowing their lives before God and their peers isn't good enough for them. They are bitter fierce about getting something done so that they can legally pronounce themself husband and wife.....or whatever the homosexuals prefer to deem themselves during such ceremonies.

But anywho...have they thought this through? I don't think so.

Lemme break it down to you. For a moment, let's just throw out the fact that you're living in sin. Double sin for some. One being the fact that you're a homosexual. Two being the fact that you're living together with someone else unmarried.

Now wait just a second....don't start spouting off at me about my viewpoints on religion and lifestyles. That's not the topic of this blog post. For if we want to get to the meat and potatoes of the topic, I myself am living in sin in the fact that I too, like most coupled homosexuals am living with my loved one unmarried. I just happen to be in a heterosexual relationship. And no, I don't think any of us are going to rot in enternal torment for our sins. Besides all that, I said before let's just throw that part out for sake of my point.

Guys, gals, and the transgendered....have you thought this one through yet? Maybe it's best that you don't get married legally. I mean, let's face it. Most marriages end in divorce. Over 70 percent in the US, and over 80 percent in the UK. And though I don't know first hand, as I never have experienced it personally, I know many who have. And divorce fucking sucks. My mom's been through two of them. My fiancee's father's been through two of them. And frankly, there just ain't nothing peachy keen about a divorce. They suck. Plain and simple.

Not only do they suck, but odds are one of you are going to get screwed in the end. My mother for instance. She's worked over 20 years building up her 401k at her place of employment. And thanks to her second divorce, her retirement savings is down to 25,000 bucks. All in part to her alcoholic divorced husband who took half of it and then some. She doesn't even know if she's going to be able to keep her house now. And God forbid the man tries for a custody battle for their 12 year old son.

So let's just cut to the chase here. Be happy you're together. Adopt a few kids. Live your life. Watch the Ellen Degeneres show. Cause if shit goes sour, there's no huge grief. Just take your shit that you came into the relationship with, and get the heck out. Plain and simple. No mess, no fuss. And you can start fresh all over again.

How about you just leave that divorce thing to us crazy heterosexuals that don't know how to hold down serious longterm relationships.