Celebrity Tip of the Day

If you're reading this, you must be a celebrity. Now I'm no life coach, or whatever it is that you go to for advice on your life. But every now and again, I have a few gems of wisdom that I would like to share with your surreal existance.

Take my words to the heart. They will one day save your career. Trust me on this. You ready.....

"Stop having sex in front of camcorders."

It's very easy. Sure you have sex. You're a celebrity. I don't blame you. Personally if I were in your shoes I would be having sex right now while reading this. However, I wouldn't be doing it in front of a camera of any sorts. Especially one that takes motion pictures.

It worked for Paris Hilton. Heck, it sorta worked for Scott Stapp and Kid Rock. But do you really want to fall into that category? I mean come on. You're a celebrity. Look at the things you've accomplished.

Then look at Paris Hilton. Her last name is her only fame. Other than that, you and I both know that is one dumb ass bitch. And Stapp? Well watch him on TV sometime. He somehow always manages to find himself on some Celebrity Poker Showdown or some other crap like that making an ass of himself. As for Kid Rock? Well...come now...who needs to be in the same league as white trash. Let the sex tape scandals go to those freaks. After all, their own merits can't get them the recognition they seek.

So the next time you shag, just take a glance around. The whole world doesn't need to see your weewee.

Cro-Magnon Man

According to Wikipedia, Cro-Magnon man lived about 35,000 to 10,000 years ago in the Upper Paleothici period of the Pleistocene epoch. (Apparently, having difficult to pronounce names gives the illusion of significance in the scientific world.)

But anywho, I beg to differ. And don't think I'm on some creationist trip either. Granted, I might possibly believe the Earth to be young. But that shouldn't discredit the information I am about to share.

You see, I'm not on a rampage to prove evolutionists wrong. I just like to prove myself correct. And at last I have proof.

Cro-Magnon man didn't live 10,000+ years ago. That fucker still walks the Earth today. I seen him with my own eyes. So in a sense, I'm about to prove how both creationists and evolutionists are correct.

Johnny "Neanderthal" Damon is living proof that Cro-Magnon man exists. I mean, good God look at the size of that dude's head. If Johnny Damon died today, and I had some scientific nitwit undig his bones 10 years from now he would swear up and down he found the missing link.

I mean how ugly can a guy get? Everytime I see that man's face it makes me want to beat the piss out of my cat.

I'm a Little Bitch

Generally it takes a lot to intimidate me. Growing up as a kid I was involved in gang violence, been beat, been shot at, etc etc. You know...the sob story every ghetto stricken teen tells when they are fishing for sympathy.

Furthermore, I suffered through the second hardest military training the Army offers. I've been hit, yelled at, and threatened by the scariest of men outranking myself.

So I'm a bit desensitized. Perhaps that's why I'm such a prick at times. Who knows? I care not to give myself a psychological evalution at this point in time.

However, I have a weakness. A terrible weakness. I'm a little bitch when it comes to roller coasters. The damn thing doesn't even need to do loops and it'll have me all fucked up. I just can't handle them and I have no idea why. Oh wait...yeah I do....cause I'm a little bitch.

And I have proof!

Just take a good guess at which one I am. That's right. I'm the only one on the ride screaming my head off as if I'm watching my mother get butchered. I mean look at that face I have. I'm not even able to duplicate that look in the mirror. That face is of true terror.

I'm such a little bitch.

Florida Vacation

At last I got to see the ocean for the first time in my life. I wasn't all that impressed by it, as it looked like Lake Michigan as far as I could tell, except the ocean doesn't stink like shit and you can walk across the beach without a shard of glass or a hypodermic needle getting stuck in your foot.

One lesson I did learn as that when you're swimming in the ocean, don't open your mouth. Taking a gulp of seawater is no different than just dumping a handful of salt in your mouth. It just ain't fun.

Universal Studios was sweet. Cool Rides. And who can pass up a $5 hotdog? I mean, you only live once right? I'll have to show the picture they got of me on "The Revenge of the Mummy" ride. It's a look of sheer terror. I couldn't even try to contort my face like that if I tried. Only a horrifying experience can offer me such an expression. When I get back home, I'll post the picture.