My Mind News

Meh

2011-04-23T13:57:00.000-05:00

Hey Blog,

I once read that if you have a dead blog, you should just leave it dead and move on. Eh, what's that guy know anyways. I'm sure you're appreciative of me coming back to breath a little life into you after all these years.

The writing bug has been at me lately, and I needed an outlet. I've never took you down, because I've always enjoyed going back to you time to time to read up on how my mind used to work years ago. I'm a bit older now, and my mind spins a bit differently. My fear is that I'm not nearly as verbally witty as I used to self inflate myself to think I was years back.

Lots have changed from then till now. I'm married. I have twin daughters now. You should see them, they are beautiful. I do my best to make sure they survive this world, while my wife makes sure they greet this world with pigtails and pink dresses. They turn three in a couple months. Perhaps I'll post a few pictures of them on here for you to see.

So how are things with you? I still see that you manage to get a little traffic everyday. Amazing eh? No matter how the world changes around you, you still remain the same, and people still seem to find parts of you interesting enough.

Your look is a little old and played out. Don't take that as an insult please. I'm sure if you have the capabilities, you'd keep your look current. I suppose that's my job. Maybe I'll give you a face lift and make you a bit more appealing for the few that stumble across you.

I've missed you Blog. I guess it's because you're a part of me. Perhaps my momentary desire to give you a little love, will have a bit more consistency this time around. We'll see how that turns out.

Take care,

Shawn

My Wenis

2006-05-25T21:42:00.000-05:00

So she lost the bet. And now she owes me a blowjob. Hey, it's not pretty, but that's how the world works. So whatever, she's lying in bed, I'm taking a piss before I head on there with her. I was even polite enough to take a piece of toilet paper and dab it on my wenis head so she doesn't have to endure any unsavory tastes.

So I head out of the bathroom and she barks out, "Did you wash your hands?"

Right then and there my jaw locked tight, my eyes rolled into the top of my head and my brain seized up as a result of the idiocy of the question that resembled more as an order.

Let's recap. I'm in the bathroom. My hands are on my wenis. I'm peeing with my wenis. My hand grabs the toilet paper roll and I rip off a piece and tap my dick head with it to get the little droplet of urine off of it. I flush the toilet and I walk myself and my dick out of the bathroom.

And what does she have concern over? My hands?!?!??!

Again...let's recap. I'm in the bathroom. My hands are on MY DICK. I'm peeing with MY DICK. Keep in mind. This is the same dick that will be in her mouth within the next two minutes. And she cares about my hands?!?!

My goodness. So here's my dilemma. I'm standing naked outside of the bathroom holding every urge I have inside my body to keep me from shutting the fuck up. After all, no man gets a blowjob after he calls the giver of such fine work an ignorant bitch.

So I take a breath. I compose myself. And I slowly turn back into the bathroom and wash MY HANDS.

Digging Up Hoffa

2006-05-22T03:25:00.000-05:00

Okay, why they hell are they still spending money looking for Hoffa. The dude has been gone for decades. Let's all just assume he's dead and move on with our lives. I mean, what difference does it make at this point anyways? Is peace and harmony going to spring over the world if they find the dude's remains?

I don't get it. I just don't get it.

I bet there's a betting pool going on at the FBI Headquarters to see what year they find Hoffa in. What else could be the incentive? They certainly aren't going to name a school after the guy that found his bones. So what's the point?

So instead of fighting crime, or whatever it is these FBI guys do, they are throwing on their farmer's gear, grabbing their backhoes and digging up some dude's farm looking for Hoffa.

Celebrity Tip of the Day

2006-04-19T12:23:00.000-05:00

If you're reading this, you must be a celebrity. Now I'm no life coach, or whatever it is that you go to for advice on your life. But every now and again, I have a few gems of wisdom that I would like to share with your surreal existance.

Take my words to the heart. They will one day save your career. Trust me on this. You ready.....

"Stop having sex in front of camcorders."

It's very easy. Sure you have sex. You're a celebrity. I don't blame you. Personally if I were in your shoes I would be having sex right now while reading this. However, I wouldn't be doing it in front of a camera of any sorts. Especially one that takes motion pictures.

It worked for Paris Hilton. Heck, it sorta worked for Scott Stapp and Kid Rock. But do you really want to fall into that category? I mean come on. You're a celebrity. Look at the things you've accomplished.

Then look at Paris Hilton. Her last name is her only fame. Other than that, you and I both know that is one dumb ass bitch. And Stapp? Well watch him on TV sometime. He somehow always manages to find himself on some Celebrity Poker Showdown or some other crap like that making an ass of himself. As for Kid Rock? Well...come now...who needs to be in the same league as white trash. Let the sex tape scandals go to those freaks. After all, their own merits can't get them the recognition they seek.

So the next time you shag, just take a glance around. The whole world doesn't need to see your weewee.

Cro-Magnon Man

2006-04-13T01:10:00.000-05:00

According to Wikipedia, Cro-Magnon man lived about 35,000 to 10,000 years ago in the Upper Paleothici period of the Pleistocene epoch. (Apparently, having difficult to pronounce names gives the illusion of significance in the scientific world.)

But anywho, I beg to differ. And don't think I'm on some creationist trip either. Granted, I might possibly believe the Earth to be young. But that shouldn't discredit the information I am about to share.

You see, I'm not on a rampage to prove evolutionists wrong. I just like to prove myself correct. And at last I have proof.

Cro-Magnon man didn't live 10,000+ years ago. That fucker still walks the Earth today. I seen him with my own eyes. So in a sense, I'm about to prove how both creationists and evolutionists are correct.

Johnny "Neanderthal" Damon is living proof that Cro-Magnon man exists. I mean, good God look at the size of that dude's head. If Johnny Damon died today, and I had some scientific nitwit undig his bones 10 years from now he would swear up and down he found the missing link.

I mean how ugly can a guy get? Everytime I see that man's face it makes me want to beat the piss out of my cat.

I'm a Little Bitch

2006-04-06T21:13:00.000-05:00

Generally it takes a lot to intimidate me. Growing up as a kid I was involved in gang violence, been beat, been shot at, etc etc. You know...the sob story every ghetto stricken teen tells when they are fishing for sympathy.

Furthermore, I suffered through the second hardest military training the Army offers. I've been hit, yelled at, and threatened by the scariest of men outranking myself.

So I'm a bit desensitized. Perhaps that's why I'm such a prick at times. Who knows? I care not to give myself a psychological evalution at this point in time.

However, I have a weakness. A terrible weakness. I'm a little bitch when it comes to roller coasters. The damn thing doesn't even need to do loops and it'll have me all fucked up. I just can't handle them and I have no idea why. Oh wait...yeah I do....cause I'm a little bitch.

And I have proof!

Just take a good guess at which one I am. That's right. I'm the only one on the ride screaming my head off as if I'm watching my mother get butchered. I mean look at that face I have. I'm not even able to duplicate that look in the mirror. That face is of true terror.

I'm such a little bitch.

Florida Vacation

2006-04-05T00:55:00.000-05:00

At last I got to see the ocean for the first time in my life. I wasn't all that impressed by it, as it looked like Lake Michigan as far as I could tell, except the ocean doesn't stink like shit and you can walk across the beach without a shard of glass or a hypodermic needle getting stuck in your foot.

One lesson I did learn as that when you're swimming in the ocean, don't open your mouth. Taking a gulp of seawater is no different than just dumping a handful of salt in your mouth. It just ain't fun.

Universal Studios was sweet. Cool Rides. And who can pass up a $5 hotdog? I mean, you only live once right? I'll have to show the picture they got of me on "The Revenge of the Mummy" ride. It's a look of sheer terror. I couldn't even try to contort my face like that if I tried. Only a horrifying experience can offer me such an expression. When I get back home, I'll post the picture.

Gay Cowboys Riding

2005-12-31T23:01:00.000-06:00

So Brokeback Mountain is the new movie that's said to take home some good awards. Yeah, that's fine and dandy and all. But for those that don't know. Brokeback Mountain is a gay movie. No no...I don't mean that it's a lame movie. It's literally a gay movie. Now while I choose to live my life free of anal penetration for sexual purposes, I am quite accepting of the homosexual lifestyle. Don't believe me? Yeah, well....I work with a guy that's gay. And he's cool shit to me. So there.

Anywho, what I find odd is the name of the movie. Brokeback. I mean is that not an ironic title for a movie about two cowboys doing in the butt or what?

Revival

2005-12-31T22:58:00.000-06:00

Well, My Mind News is back. However, this time around it's going to get a little more personal. I'm going to intrigrate myself more into the blog than I have in the past. While it has been things that are going on in my mind, I now want to start documenting life events as well. More or less making this to be more of a journal of my life than anything else. Now for the reader, this may be fun, or extremely dull. However, this is a selfish venture. I am continuing this for my own personal satisfication. And if along the way the crowd of the past returns or if a new crowd is created, then all the better.

My Long Lost Lover

2005-02-09T19:13:00.000-06:00

So by circumstance I came across a sweet bitch from my past. Her name was Mary Jane. I haven't sent or smelt that sexy momma in YEARS!

So it was a Wednesday afternoon, I'm bored, and she's sitting there waiting for me. What the hell? Heading off to the kitchen I get my special materials to prepare her for what's coming to her.

I'm kinky like that so I grabbed the aluminum foil. Licking my lips in anticipation I headed back into the living room. Ah, but I almost forgot something. As I just mentioned, I'm kinky like that. So I swirled my way into the bathroom and grabbed an empty toilet paper roll. Now it was time to get busy.

I took hold of that fine woman Mary Jane. Boy did she look good, and God damn that bitch smells great. It was time to put her ass to work. With a sexy wink of the eye, I unrolled my aluminum foil and dangled it before her. It was getting so hot, I started to sweat.

Inch by inch, I wrapped her sweet ass up nice and tight. Have you ever seen a gorgeous thing like Mary Jane wrapped up in something so unique and appealing as some Roundy's aluminum foil? God damn I was bursting to get it on with her.

I was already stroking the toilet paper roll in anticipation of what was to come next. I forgot one thing, static cling sheets. Oh I know what you're thinking? What the hell is he going to do with that. Well baby, I'm a freak. Use your imagination. I stuffed that toilet paper roll with it. The scent they gave off was so good. And I would love blowing back on Mary Jane after I went down on her. It's just one of those things.

I had everything ready. She was ready. I was ready. I let her give herself to me. It was ecstasy. And when we were done, she left me in a state of pure euphoria. That was my Mary Jane. She always knew how to set a guy straight. And like always when we were done, she'd be gone. And I would be left wondering when I would be seeing that sweet Mary Jane again.

Wise Words From Good Ole' Sammy

2005-01-09T22:34:00.000-06:00

The interesting thing about wisdom is that it always remains a constant through changing times. Maybe that's the difference between advice & wisdom.

Someone could suggest to me that I might not want to drink and drive. And that's great advice for our times. However, I might not necessarily consider that great wisdom. For one, a few hundred years ago, high speed vehicles didn't exist. And I don't think there were too many drunk related horse accidents. At least anything that would alarm the nation and consider it to be a severe problem.

Now allow me to share with you a quote to illustrate my point on the differences. English writer, Izaak Walton, once said, "Look to your health; and if you have it, praise God, and value it next to a good conscience; for health is the second blessing that we mortals are capable of; a blessing that money cannot buy."

Now that there is some wisdom. Despite the times, words like that can never fail. Those words remain true for the first people on earth and they certainly will hold true for the last. To me, that is one of the prerequisites to true wisdom.

This now brings me to the purpose of this post. A coworker of mine once shared with me a quote that he keeps in his wallet all the time. It's not necessarily the type of quote that once needs to carry with him at all times, but nonetheless the quote holds extremely true despite the generation that hears it.

The quote was taken from the English poet, Samuel Taylor Coleridge, who has been dead for well over a century. The quote goes as follows....

"Every reform, however necessary, will by weak minds be carried to an excess, which will itself need reforming."

When it was first told to me, the quote itself didn't make much sense. It wasn't until I applied it recently did I see the true wisdom that Coleridge shared.

Perhaps you might recall the story of a woman from Texas. This woman must have been fertile for she gave birth to five children all by the age of 36. For reasons that are still not clearly known, one spring day in Texas, this woman decided to take her children one by one in the bathroom and drown them in the bathtub. After drowning some of them, she placed them in her bed and covered them up.

Her oldest child, who was 7 at the time, asked his mother what was wrong. He then must have felt that trouble was brewing because he turned and ran for his life. His mother, already having killed four of his siblings chased him down through the house and finally caught him. With him kicking and screaming, this deranged mother dragged her last remaining child into the tub and drowned him. Not once, but twice did he fight through her clutches and manage to come up for air. But his efforts proved useless. He too, like his brothers and one sister, died in the bathroom by the hands of their own mother.

Thereafter, Andrea Yates confessed to police what she had done. A trial was under way on the basis that she might have been insane and proven guilty only by insanity. Well, duh...of course the woman was insane to kill her 5 children. That does not necessarily imply that she should be let off on the easy street because of it. But that's another topic for another day.

The trial came to a close and she was later found guilty and sentenced to life in prison. She was not to be eligible until parole until the age of 77. Or so we thought......

Not more than two weeks ago did a weak minded judge overturn this conviction. What makes this story completely absurd was the reasoning for it. Apparently one of the prosecution witnesses lied on the witness stand about a TV show's episode that didn't exist. Yes, you read me correctly. Because of a television episode that didn't exist this woman's conviction of drowning her five children into a bathtub was overturned.

By all means, allow me to requote Coleridge:

"Every reform, however necessary, will by weak minds be carried to an excess, which will itself need reforming."

There is something severely wrong with our judicial system. It clearly lacks both common sense and strong minded individuals. How fucking retarded does one have to be to see such a case and overturn such a conviction on the basis of a television program that didn't even air! Kudos to you Judge Dipshit, you just proven yourself to be just one fine example of how our system is fatally flawed.

I know I speak of the impossible when I suggest my correction for the system. Laws need not be so black and white. Laws need not be taken literally. Common sense should be implemented amongst the population. And more importantly, those in the position to review, create, and uphold the hall should do so under the same common sense.

Allow me to use an example to better illustrate where I'm coming from here. Every household has their set of standard rules that all must be followed. Some don't have to be mentioned for they are automatically implied. Such unspoken rules might be for the husband to not bring home crack whores to have sex with in front of the children. That would be on the husband's part, common sense.

However, there are some rules of a household that might not be common sense. Such as no leaving dishes in the sink, but rather placing them in the dishwasher immediately after using them. This type of rule was more or less designed simply to keep good order and structure in the home, but doesn't necessarily imply that it should be common sense.

Furthermore, in the typical there are both general rules for everyone and more specific rules tailored to an individual in the household. Sometimes these specific rules are tailored for personalities, sometimes age, sometimes gender. An example of each would be a hot tempered son counting to 10 first before uttering a single word; an 8 year old having a bed time of 9pm; and finally all boys should put the seat back down after tinkling in the potty.

Wouldn't it be a bit silly if such rules were applied generally across the board for every member in the household? Should not common sense prevail over the rules? Perhaps the government needs to follow suit.

For a woman who has openedly confessed to killing all five of her children should be put away for life without question. Even if it was discovered that some dumb ass TV episode never existed, that should not upset the idealogy that this woman should be gone for good.

My God, where is our good common sense?

Fuck Your Rules

2004-11-16T03:38:00.000-06:00

What is this that I'm hearing once again? Yet another soldier is coming under fire for doing what? Shooting a wounded Iraqi solider!?!?!

Now that is some bullshit. But guess what...you probably think I'm referring to the soldier that was on some bullshit. But my friend. You are wrong. Though I am not for this war, it's beginning to grow on me a bit. I'm past the angry stage. I'm past the tired of hearing it all stage. Now I'm slipping into a "love the one you're with" stage. Who knows how long it will last, but I'm going to continue to roll with it for the time being.

Anywho, back on track. Let me understand things correctly. Soldier had a shoot out with some Iraqis that were in a Mosque. A Mosque. correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that like some holy ground for the Muslims. During bombing raids we do our best to avoid such structures and these insurgent fools use that as some base of resistance.

So now we have these Iraqis in the building. And they are shooting at our soldiers. With real bullets from real guns mind you. Meaning, someone could die. After all, 34 soldiers died during this seige on Fallujah and it didn't happen by spontaneous combustion. These boys were killed, with the same types of weapons that these Mosque hidden Iraqis were using against the soldiers that were outside.

Naturally our boys are going to shoot back. And shoot back they did. And boy oh boy did they do some damage to the Iraqis. Damn near killed them all. And this wasn't just for fun. These guys were fighting for their lives. The blood must have been flowing 60 miles per hour through their bodies.

So they rush the building and start doing a search. A camera crew follows in. A soldier sees some Iraqis lying on the floor near the wall, and he suspects that the Iraqi was faking death, so he shoots the body making sure it was dead.

Now he might get into trouble. Again, let me say....THAT IS SOME BULLSHIT.

Do I really need to do a recap here? That Iraqi was trying to kill our boys. With real weapons loaded with real bullets. Last I checked, these fuckers weren't the kind to respect our wounded. From the reports I get, they kidnap innocent people and cut their heads off.

So you know what? Fuck the Rules. Fuck them All. For those that make such stupid rules, you should be the first to go out in the front lines of war and tell me about some rules. Yeah, we'll seen then what kind of rules you're going to make up.

Is it only because the news got it on film? Is this just another publicity stunt? Granted, there was some wrong doing on the soldier's parts when they abused those soldiers in the jails a few months back. But can I really blame them? Can you? Odds are just like me, you've never been in war. Who's to say you wouldn't do the same under similar situations?

Last I heard, both George Bush and John Kerry agreed on one thing during their campaign. They were going to hunt and kill those terrorists where ever they are.

Did we so quickly forget that?

Television's Tool for the 21st Century

2004-11-11T01:40:00.000-06:00

Read a portion of this article taken from Yahoo.

**********

Wed Nov 10, 4:38 PM ET

By DAVID BAUDER, AP Television Writer

NEW YORK - It shocked many pundits when ABC's new series "Desperate Housewives" and "Lost" became the breakout hits of the new television season. But not the folks at Initiative, a top New York media agency, who say they've developed a new tool to help predict which shows will succeed or flop.

The research device combs the Internet to pick up buzz about TV programs being developed. They hope to sell its findings to networks, advertisers and ad agencies.

The device, called PropheSEE, measures which shows are being talked about most on the Internet. Unlike other systems that do the same thing, it also gauges whether the talk is positive or negative.

The Initiative device also doesn't take into account people who are not active on the Internet, he said.

Initiative, which developed PropheSEE with the research firms Trendum and TVtracker.com, said there's a value in collecting the opinions of people who aren't aware they're being surveyed. Initiative is a firm that advises advertisers on where they should target their commercials.

**************

Being the genius that I am, I hacked into Initiative's website, searched all their files and found out how the system actually works. It took me a moment to find them as I had to sift through countless nude celebrity photos and random payroll information.

At last, I found the program. Of course I know that you're dying to find out how they do it. So I personally will reveal to the world how this new innovative software program works.

To find out exactly how the genius of Initiative's new product, PropheSEE, works, please click here.

The Last Slice

2004-10-22T10:31:00.000-05:00

You're friends are all over. The Packer game is on. Beer is flowing good, the Packers are ahead. Everything is perfect, expect one thing. You're all starving. It's time to order up some pizza. You and your friends dig into your pockets and are able to come up with enough spare change to pay for a large pizza, one topping. You find out on the phone with the pizza shop of your choice that you can now afford to add an additional topping at no extra charge. Sweet beans.

Packers score another run. Following cheesehead tradition while is only known to you and your friends, and likewise only praticed by your own crowd solely, you chug down a whole can of beer.

Pizza arrives. Delivery boy walks back smiling after you tell him to keep the change. However, once in the car he realized you meant it literally as the change from the bill only amounts to $.23.

But alas, pizza has arrived. Favre is unbeatable, the beer never tasted better and you're all about to stuff your faces. Can this day get any better. You all reach in and grab a slice. God damn, pizza never tasted so good.

Interception, Packers recover the ball. Cheers followed by more beer is well rewarded.

You're still hungry. You look down. Dammit, there's only one slice of pizza left. You mentally count to see if everyone already had an equal amount, but you're not sure. Darn, how many slices are in a pizza again? You grow silent wondering if you grab the last piece.

You notice your friends have all grown a bit uncomfortable as well. That God damn last slice. You can literally see the evil aura arise from it as it sets in. You look to your friend, he's a bit overweight. You know that fat fucker is dying to have that last slice. But he doesn't deserve it. After all, he's fat.

You see your other friend. The Jew. He doesn't deserve it either. You don't know why, but it has something to do with the fact that you're slightly drunk and that you heard on South Park that the Jews were responsible for killing Christ. Damn those Jews. He doesn't deserve it either.

60 yard gain by the Packers. They are now in range to score yet again. A few headnods of cheesehead approval, but no outward cry of brewed celebration. That damn slice of pizza has now cast it's retched spell on you three.

The pizza has been sitting there for a good half of a quarter now. The Jew speaks up, with a sweaty brow. "Uh, did someone want that last slice?"

You blurt out, "Nah, you can have it."

WHY!?!?!? Why did you say that. You immediately curse yourself quietly for your error. Your eyes burn as you glare at the Jew and his selfish ways. Damn him. Damn yourself. Damn it all.

The Jew reaches into to take the last slice.

"Dude", the blubber ass that resembles your friend utters. "Split that with me."

And what does that Messianic crucifer do? He rips it in half and gives it to the guy that could fit about 50 more slices in that bathtub he calls his stomach.

Your anger for them spills over onto yourself as you realize how pathetic you are for not taking the last slice. This is your house dammit. Your big screen TV.

Touchdown. Packers score again. Fuck Brett Favre. You're pissed.

You decide right then and their to plot their murders. The Jew and the Fatboy. Wasn't that a TV show? Well it's going to be the 9 o'clock news tomorrow.

Divorce is so Gay

2004-10-07T01:31:00.000-05:00

Alright. I totally accept the fact all people should have certain liberties while residing in the United States as a citizen. We should have the right to vote, the right to say what we want, the right to do whatever the heck we want to do provided it is within the boundaries of decent law.

However, sometimes there are groups that just push issues for the sake of pushing issues. I don't believe they tend to think things through all the time. It's almost like they just want something done only because they are told that it can't be done.

Prime example, would be the homosexuals. They want their equal rights. They want to legally be able to marry each other. Holding hands and vowing their lives before God and their peers isn't good enough for them. They are bitter fierce about getting something done so that they can legally pronounce themself husband and wife.....or whatever the homosexuals prefer to deem themselves during such ceremonies.

But anywho...have they thought this through? I don't think so.

Lemme break it down to you. For a moment, let's just throw out the fact that you're living in sin. Double sin for some. One being the fact that you're a homosexual. Two being the fact that you're living together with someone else unmarried.

Now wait just a second....don't start spouting off at me about my viewpoints on religion and lifestyles. That's not the topic of this blog post. For if we want to get to the meat and potatoes of the topic, I myself am living in sin in the fact that I too, like most coupled homosexuals am living with my loved one unmarried. I just happen to be in a heterosexual relationship. And no, I don't think any of us are going to rot in enternal torment for our sins. Besides all that, I said before let's just throw that part out for sake of my point.

Guys, gals, and the transgendered....have you thought this one through yet? Maybe it's best that you don't get married legally. I mean, let's face it. Most marriages end in divorce. Over 70 percent in the US, and over 80 percent in the UK. And though I don't know first hand, as I never have experienced it personally, I know many who have. And divorce fucking sucks. My mom's been through two of them. My fiancee's father's been through two of them. And frankly, there just ain't nothing peachy keen about a divorce. They suck. Plain and simple.

Not only do they suck, but odds are one of you are going to get screwed in the end. My mother for instance. She's worked over 20 years building up her 401k at her place of employment. And thanks to her second divorce, her retirement savings is down to 25,000 bucks. All in part to her alcoholic divorced husband who took half of it and then some. She doesn't even know if she's going to be able to keep her house now. And God forbid the man tries for a custody battle for their 12 year old son.

So let's just cut to the chase here. Be happy you're together. Adopt a few kids. Live your life. Watch the Ellen Degeneres show. Cause if shit goes sour, there's no huge grief. Just take your shit that you came into the relationship with, and get the heck out. Plain and simple. No mess, no fuss. And you can start fresh all over again.

How about you just leave that divorce thing to us crazy heterosexuals that don't know how to hold down serious longterm relationships.

Yet I Laughed

2004-09-22T20:02:00.000-05:00

2 to 1 odds that the Brit gets his head cut off by tomorrow evening.

That's a joke that popped into my head when I was read the Yahoo article about the third of three captives who made his final plea for life.

Then it hit me. I actually made a joke and laughed at it. And what's worse...I didn't feel bad about it either. Now before you spout off your hatred to me, allow me to finish.

I have become desensitized to all the slaughter in Iraq. I'm so used to hear it, that it's becoming just ordinary news. Just like when I lived in Milwaukee, all the murders and rapes never made the front page. Rather it was a paragraph or two planted between the stock report and the classified ads.

Was it not a few months back when I was left with tears in my eyes at the news of Nick Berg's brutal murder in Iraq? What the hell happened? I'm at this point now where I'm just so fucking sick and tired about hearing of the whole thing.

I'm not starting to turn to that point where we should just move on in and take out every last suspected terrorist. I'm just baffled at the idea that these terrorists can take them hostage, and we can't find them until there's a headless corpse lying in an alley.

Maybe that's where all this is stemming? My dissatisfaction with what's going on over there. But another situation arises with just that train of thought. What would make me satisfied?

I suppose I have learned one thing from this whole experience. Never get involved with a chick who's a terrorist. When we're fooling around, I might make the mistake of asking her to give me head. And the last thing I should do is be surprised if she pulls out a huge knife and a camcorder.....

.......and yet I laughed.

Curtain Falls

2004-09-18T01:29:00.000-05:00

Inhibitions.

Society.

We are confined to so many things and we don't even realize it. It can really become a burden at times. Guys, you know how this one can go. You're out in public and your boxers are bunching up and pinching the bloody hell out of your balls. What are you gonna go? Ya can't just reach down and pull at your stuff. That's just totally unacceptable behavior. I imagine in the presence of some people it might down right be considered a sin. Heck, I bet you could even get a fine for such an act.

So instead of just forgetting what the hell people even think and just relieve our junk of its stress, we walk around all uncomfortable. Sure we try to get rid of the discomfort through other methods. You know what I'm talking about. Bending a bit. Walking staggered for a second or two. Reaching into our deep pockets pretending to fish for some keys. But really, it just don't work. None of it does. The only cure is to get yourself in private and reach down and take care of the situation.

God forbid you get caught in private with your hands down your pants.......but what do I know?

Heck, If I lived in a world where I had no inhibition and wasn't bound by any "rules" of society, I'd probably be one of the nastiest mother fuckers around. I kid you not. I don't shower in the morning for myself. I do that for everyone around me. Cause I sure the heck don't mind if I stink. I just can't stand being around people who bitch about people stinking. So as a result. I stay showered, fresh, and clean.

The other day I started one of my first displays of this type of action. I had dropped a mint on the ground. And guess what? Yeah, that's right. I picked it up and ate it in the presence of people. What response did I get?

"Eewwww. That's gross."

"Dude, I can't believe you just did that."

And what of it?

Have you ever heard of anyone dying as a result of them eating a piece of food that they recently dropped on the ground? Never. So what the heck is the big deal? I would venture to guess that the average Joe has more germs on his hand, then what the ground possessed where my mint lay.

Oh, and by the way....after having worked in McDonald's as a young teen, I could tell you countless stories of where people ate food off the ground. Whether they knew it was on the ground didn't matter for squat in my opinion. They ate it. They liked it. They'd buy it again. No harm. No foul. But what do I know?

I can't count how many dates I've been on where I held in all the gas build up until the next morning when I left. (You heard me right the first time...I said the next morning...piece that one together there playboy ;). So we're talking like 10 hours of not farting at all. That's insanity. I couldn't just rip one right out. That's just far to gross and unacceptable human behavior for any girl to handle. But it's not my fault. It's my body just processing the expensive food I ate at the nice fancy restuarant I just treated this chick to. If anything, the very least I should be rewarded with is the right to pass some gas.

But what do I know?

Not enough apparently.

Trippin' on Tippin'

2004-09-01T20:30:00.000-05:00

Pardon me if I'm wrong, but aren't tips meant to be a form of apprecation for a service well done? Let's say I'm at a restaurant and the waiter provided me with the type of service that I quite enjoyed, I would then be compelled to tip.

However, tipping has lost its meaning. Tipping is now mandatory. Certain restaurants will automatically assume I will like their service so they go ahead and put a 15% gratuity on my bill. Now how the hell can that be gratuitous is it's mandatory? Forget calling it a gratuity at all. They might as well just come out and admit that they are raping me for more of my money regardless of the service provided.

It has even gotten so bad, that companies will literally pay less because certain occupations know that their staff will be tipped. Mind you, this is even backed by Federal law in regards to minimum wage compensation. Correct me if I'm wrong, but is it not the responsibity of the company to see to it their staff is getting properly compensated. My must I be forced to pay their wage directly.

(This is for the idiots out there in the world that like to contest me for the sake of contesting me - Yes I understand that their wage would be paid for one way or another. Whether it be in the form of the tip up front, or through increased profit margin of the service rendered. However, the choice has already been made, and its just shitty that it wasn't made by me. My freedom has been stripped once again.)

And what's the deal with some service occupations getting paid more than others. I mean how hard is it write my order on a piece of paper, and then later deliver that same food to my table. Shit, a monkey can do that.

What about the teacher that helped your son get an "A" on his paper. Where's his tip? What about the mailman who walks through all elements of weather to ensure you that you get your mail? Where's his tip? I mean, who's deciding what occupations are getting tipped. Half the occupations that mandate tipping, in my opinion hardly deserve my hard worked dollars.

Of course I can't boycott tipping. Cause knowing what I know now it would be an asshole thing to do. After all, these people are literally relying on me to tip them so that they can pay for their rent at the end of the month.

So just because I will continue to tip, doesn't mean that I really want to do it. And more times than not, I hardly feel the satisfied service which compelled me to tip. Maybe it's just my blue collar town though, where people have no clue on how to smile and when to politely ask me if I need another liquid refreshment.

But most definately something needs to change. This tipping system is illogical and out of control.

Cool Site of the Day

2004-08-30T22:48:00.000-05:00

This site rocks. There's a Kerry/Bush cartoon that just is too hilarious. It looks like these guys have been at these types of cartoons for quite some time. You have to check it out.

http://www.jibjab.com

Screech

2004-08-25T22:32:00.000-05:00

For those that don't know, I'm a freelance writer. For some time, I actually was fulltime. However, the need to eat food and have shelter overcame my desire to write for a living. However, I still write on a near daily basis and manage to land a few cool projects.

Tunneling through a bit of networking, I was able to land a celebrity interview. Remember that goofy kid from Saved by the Bell? You know, Screech Powers. Yours truly was granted 30 minutes of his time for a telephone interview while he was in Philadelphia promoting his band's first album.

That's right, you heard me right. Screech is now a rock star.

Below is an article I wrote based on some of the transcript of the phone interview. While we spoke at length about chess, comedy, and music, I slanted the article for the musician's market. Enjoy.

******

Every reminiscent image of Dustin Diamond dispelled while listening to him one afternoon from his hotel room in Pittsburgh. No longer is he the fidgety character of Screech, as best remembered him from his days on Saved by the Bell. But the end of the series was far from the end of his career.

Today the 26 year old Diamond holds a trifecta of career options. In addition to acting, he also is a comedian, and has taken to the stage as a bassist. His band, Salty the Pocketknife, is currently on tour after the release of their debut album October 21, 2003.

It would be interesting to know that Dustin thinks more of himself as a musician, than an actor. Music has been a part of him is entire life. While he has been acting for the last 19 years, he has been a student of music for 22 years. Filled with pursuit he assures, “Music is always going to be there.”

Shawn Cannon: How do you feel about the fact that you are best remembered for playing the character Screech from Saved by the Bell?

Dustin Diamond: I feel great. The show was the number one sitcom for kids around the world. Off the stage is where the proving grounds are. People see me off the stage they don’t know whether I’m in character or not. So when they actually see me doing my standup or traveling with my band they see the real me. Obviously I’m not doing the Screech character away from the show.

SC: You’re the bassist in the band Salty the Pocketknife. What’s the story behind the band?

DD: Evan [Stone] and I are the brains behind the operation. The way we set up our band is not the typical formula. We provide the canvas on which we allow people to come in and work with us to build our story. So in different albums you may have a different guitar or a different singer on every album. The guitar player and singer and color to that canvas. But we don’t play with people that don’t have the Salty feel. Obviously we play with people that are on the same page. For the first outing we are Salty the Pocketknife, but the next time we might be something else.

SC: The band’s music has been said to take “progressive/ new thing rock to the next level”. How so?

DD: It’s so well put together that it’s easy to follow and yet really confusing the first time you hear it. People that are hearing it get a complete assault on their senses. To have the CD, to listen to it and go through it a number of times, you start to learn the changes and the progressions; you really start to get more out of it, more depth out of it. There are still little things that we are learning about the music and we wrote it. It’s one of those things where we’re not your top 40 band. We’re not your Britney Spears. I’m not out there like Corey Feldman and these other guys who are trying to be rock stars, and pop stars. I don’t predict us being the band that is going to go Platinum a million times, but I do think that there are at least 100,000-200,000 people per album.

SC: What is the motivation behind your pursuit in music?

DD: Music I don’t do for fortune or fame. I have already received fame. And I already have made a small fortune. So music I do for me, because I have to do it. I don’t really care about people’s critiques of it. Of course I want people out there to hear my music and appreciate it.

To find out more about Dustin Diamond you can check him out at http://www.dustindiamond.net.

And be sure to check out his band at http://www.saltythepocketknife.com.

Clean as a Weiner

2004-08-17T21:59:00.000-05:00

Technology is cool and all, but it's even better when it's used in an application where it makes sense. Lately, public bathrooms have been implementing technology so that your visit is more sanitary. However, that's what the goal is at least.

I'm sure you've seen such things. Toilets that automatically flush. Sinks that turn on when your hands are present. The same goes with auto hand dryers, and even recently I saw paper towel dispenser that was motion detected.

However, this technology failed to keep in mind the human nature of all men. With the old methods, we found it difficult to wash our hands after using the john. And now with these new methods, we really don't want to.

Simply put, men aren't afraid of the germs on their own weiners. Though none of them would admit it, they very well could stick their hands in the crotch, and then proceed to eat with the same hand. It's just how it goes. Deal with it.

So what happens when we're told that these bathrooms are automated so that they are sanitary? Well you get a world full of men that no longer have the need to wash their hands at all. Though we aren't afraid of the germs on our own sticks, we aren't too keen on getting the germs of some random anonymous scrotom. That's the real reason some men are compelled to wash their hands in public bathrooms.

One more thing needs to be taken into consideration. Men are stupid. Even the smart ones are stupid. Lemme just break it down for you to better explain this.

Technology allows for men's bathrooms to be more sanitary by making it so that you can walk into a bathroom, use the bathroom, and leave the bathroom without once touching anything in the bathroom other than your own dick. And in this technological process, you can flush the toilet, wash and dry your hands, and enter and exit the bathroom entrance.

However, men, being the braniacs that we are fail to put all the technology in the bathrooms. Every public restroom I've ever seen has only some, and not all. And believe you me, I've been to some pretty fancy bathrooms.

So what's the use of having an entrance having a toilet that flushes on it's own, automated sinks and hand dryers if you fail to have a door that we can leave without having to touch. Keep in mind, most men will not, I repeat, will not wash their hands.

So I can walk myself though this pseudo-technological charade just to end up with Joe Schmo's dick germs all over my hand when I exit the bathroom. Now does not that defeat the whole purpose of having this technology? It'd be no different than just having to shake some stranger's weiner on the way out.

Sandman Owes Me One

2004-08-17T06:33:00.000-05:00

Well, my 40 day challenge is complete. And it looks like I came out of this a winner. I've been recieving numerous emails as well as seeing comments posted on this blog of other people that have dared themselves to take up this challenge as well. It's a pretty interesting one to say the least.

I'm not sure if my results had any effect to all the "expert" theories that are out there. So for those that aren't sure if nocturnal emmissions are mandatory for guys that don't ejaculate, then you're in the same boat as those that boast that they know the answer.

In my opinion, it's all about one's immediate environment. But not only that, I believe will power, confidence, and self control play a part as well. Perhaps they should design a psychological test to see who would cum in their sleep or not. That'd be an interesting grade to take home from school.

So next time I see the Sandman, he better pay up. I feel like I'm owed a nasty dream for my good efforts. I'm fine with any particular dream as long as it includes a topless volleyball competition.

Fuk a What?

2004-08-14T21:33:00.000-05:00

I got a catalog in the mail today. It's your typical family oriented catalog. Or so I thought. The title of the catalog is "Catalog Favorites". It boasts that it has "a showcase of catalog best-sellers". My fiancee is a catalog shopper, but not a catalog buyer, so she tends to flip through all the catalogs that we get in the mail.

So after flipping through such catalog gems as Elmo T-shirts, toys no kid would ever play with, and Mr. Mom mugs, she came across an item that I now believe to be the only selling item in the entire catalog. I would venture to say that this entire catalog was created just to hide this particular item right in it's midst.

Supposedly this thing has even been seen on TV. You clip it to your finger and it's intended to relieve such things as headaches, and pains in your neck, back, and shoulders. Yeah...rrriiiggghttt.

The only thing this product is good for is flapping a clitoris like a hummingbird's wings at 9000 vibrations per minute. Yeah...that's right...I said it. It's for the masturbating sex starved housewife.

I was in denial myself after seeing this in the catalog. They have Cookie Monster kid's T-Shirt on one page, and adult sexual satisfaction on the next. You ain't foolin' no one "Catalog Favorites". I'm on to your little game.

Fukuoku? Yes please.

Aren't I Swell?

2004-08-07T15:53:00.000-05:00

You know, I'm an American. I live a good life. Of course, that's all relative. So to some, I might live like shit. But in comparison to the rest of the world, I have things that millions upon millions dream to have.

When people see misfortune in life, they just hope, wish, and pray that something can be done about it. Now I'm not against either hoping, wishing, or praying, however if that's the only thing you are doing then I don't feel that it's good enough.

I like to take action. Now it doesn't have to be on any significant level. But every little bit helps. And if everyone were to just do a little bit, the world can change. Is that realistic, no. But does that render action useless, no.

So what's my little bit?

I decided to sponsor a child in need though the Christian Children's Fund. Krista insisted that I pick an "ugly" one for she thought that they would be overlooked when selecting. I have no verification of her claim, so I made it simple by just running a search on the type of child that had the most need in the country with the greatest need. And this child popped up amongst two others:

Sander is a young Brazilian boy who lives with his parents, Jose and Ivanete, in a rural community located in the Jequitinhonha Valley, northeast Minas Gerais, which is a poor and drought-stricken region.

Their simple home, which is self-built, has adobe walls, rough cement floors and a clay-tiled roof. There is an outhouse for toilet. Water is carried from a stream. Jose works long hours as a farm laborer (mostly cutting sugar-cane away from the home). The per-capita family income is less than US$ 50.00, or half of the minimum monthly wage in the country.

The family is of the Catholic faith and their native language is Portuguese. Sander is cheerful and fun. His pet name is Nene. He helps his mom to care for the chickens. He likes playing with balls and toy cars.

He is also fond of animals like dogs and cats. Sander is considered to have good health. He attends the project day care center where he receives nutritious meals and care, besides participating in recreational and educationally-oriented activities.

I might not be able to change the world. But I sure as hope that I can make all the difference in the world for this young guy. Ain't he a cutie?

An F Never Felt So Good

2004-08-04T21:50:00.000-05:00

In high school, I was overtly outgoing. People knew who I was, and I always came with a good laugh for them, even if at times it came at my own expense.

My grades never reflected my intelligence, as I never cared for school. Correction....school was cool. It's just that classes and homework got in the way of all the fun.

I maintained a decent C/D average. But if I would have known then what I know now. I would have been made darn sure that I would have gotten an F. Because apparently, F nowadays stands for Fuck. As in that's what the teachers are doing to their students.

I recently read a report where 15 percent of pupils are sexually abused by teachers or school staff members between kindergarten and high school graduation. Now I must ask?

Why was I so cruely overlooked and thrown into the 85%?

Typically I wouldn't be bitching about this, but I took a glance at the latest teacher that has no been accused -- Debra Lafave. And good gracious have you seen this woman?

What's the dealio? This woman is an A+ hottie and she's liftin' the skirt for a 14 year old kid. So I say again, why was I in this damn 85%?

I had the hots for my Spanish teacher. Did not I make that clear to her by coming to class everyday? How come I didn't get an after school exercise? Ms. W, I would have even talked dirty to you in the very language you taught me. Was this not good enough for you? I even touched your hand when I handed you my homework. Don't you remember the way our fingers graved over each other? It was just a tiny bit of heaven.

And what about you, Ms. B. You were a hot little number, and I came to English class like it was a religion. Was not my allegiance enough? How dare you tease me with your little ass shakes as you wrote on the blackboard? Why wasn't I given this special extra credit? And to think I learned what a past participle was. I did that for you Ms. B, not for me. Your English didn't learn me a damn thing. But the "what if" memories of what could have been are now here to taunt me for my missed opportunities.

To all the 14 year olds guys out there...keep your chin up...you might be one of the lucky 15%.

De-Evolving Exercise

2004-07-31T19:22:00.000-05:00

Is it possible that ideas for the advancement in an industry can overwhelm it to the point where it seems to destroy that very industry? Or is it just a simple fact that if you know you can sell an eskimo ice, you'll come back to sell him frozen agua the next week and thermo-cooled H20 the following week.

Whatever the case may be, exercise equipment has just got to the point where it is just fucking retarded. Case in point: The Ab Lounge. It's a god damn cot. That's it. Nothing to it at all. Here, take a look for yourself.

The pictures alone show you how to work this magical cot that can burn the fat away. Now this isn't some equipment that came out decades ago, this is brand spanking new. And sadly, people are actually buying it. Why? Why on Earth are they doing that?

And if that doesn't top it. For those that are too fucking stupid to figure out how this wonder cot works, it actually comes with an instructional video. Someone please slap the shit out of me.

Are people so desperate to take off the pounds that they'll by anything?

If that's the case then let me introduce you to my workout equipment. It's called the Fat Burner. You put it on your feet everyday and it is guaranteed* to take off the pounds. I wore the Fat Burner for weeks now and I'm proud to say that I have lost nearly 20 pounds. And for the low low price of $99, you too can take advantage of my fat vanishing system.

Allow me to give you a sneak peek of this amazing product.

*That's right dipshit. They are socks. Plain old socks. If you want to lose the pounds put on the socks and walk your fat ass around the block a few times every day. Oh yeah...and ease off on the fat food there too tubby.

amBUSH

2004-07-24T21:31:00.000-05:00

Technology is amazing. Since the dawn of digital imagery, man has been able to capture amazing footage from around the world. For the most part it is used for educational and informative issues. It also has greatly enhanced more seedy industries such as pornography.

However, since the US has gone to war I've been seeing more and more footage of events in Iraq. Obviously it doesn't tell the whole story, but each clip I see brings the events in Iraq more closer to home.

Baghdad, Iraq isn't some wasteland desert. It's a bustling city holding millions and millions of people. They are just like me and you. They wake up in the morning, go to work, eat out for lunch, come home to their wives and children, go to bed. Then wake up the next morning to do it all over again.

Now imagine on your way to work you heard a thunderous noise. You look up and see that's it's not a storm brewing because the skies are clear blue. But rather it's a mortar shell that just landed dead in the middle of the street for the sole purpose of death and destruction. You might bitch about being late because there was an idiot who caused an accident on the road, but daily citizens of Baghdad have to tell their bosses how they are late because they were ditching mortar shells and militant automatic fire.

The following video was an amazing close call of an ambush that a US military convoy escaped while driving through the busy streets of Iraq. I watched the video a few times. At first I felt deeply for the US soldiers. But as I saw it the fourth time my heart felt for the Iraqi citizens. These people were running for their lives. And they have to live in that fear everyday.

God Bless America. And God...don't forget to Bless Iraq.

Procreation Prevention

2004-07-20T22:15:00.000-05:00

Nowadays you need a license for just about anything. If you want to drive a car you need one. If you want to park on a city street in Milwaukee you need one. If you want to tend bar you need one. Insurance salesman need one. Financial Planners. Mortgage Brokers. Real Estate Agents. Boxing. Firearm possession. Riding your bicycle in a street. Driving a truck. Owning a dog. Marriage. The list goes on and on. I bet the average person has at least a dozen licenses just to exist in America.

Well I propose another license. If you want to have children you should have to be granted a license for it. Now I know that sounds off the wall, but so does needing a license to pedal a bike around town or to build a fence on your own lawn. The reason I bring this up is because frankly there are some people that need not produce offspring in this world. I'm sure you can think of a dozen or so people that you know that shouldn't infect the human race by the multiplication of their genes.

This idealogy hit me the hardest when I woke up to his the face of this man in my morning dose of Yahoo news.

A sound deafened my ears, blindness overcame me, and my head throbbed as if someone was smacking me with a jagged brick. I lost memory shortly after, but my fiancee informed me that while she was in the bathroom she heard me shriek and found me smacking my face against the computer monitor. A simple web search illustrated that this is a common reaction for those that are afraid of real life clowns. Not the fake ones in the circus, but really real ones.

But back on track. Avoiding further eye contact with the photo so that I could read the story I was overcome with horror when I read this headline:

Jackson to be Father of Quadruplets

I quickly checked the date for fear that I may have somehow slipped into some distorted space-time continuum and arrived on April Fool's Day. But no such luck. It was July 20, 2004 and Michael Jackson was going to add 4 more children to his already existing offspring.

This is clearly a man/woman/person/alien/clown/freak/weirdo that should not procreate. This needs to be put to an end. What child can grow and be a productive asset to the human race if their father is Michael Jackson.

I urge you to immediately contact your local congressman and petition them to put laws in place for regulations in procreation. The world has seen enough. 3 offspring is enough. Now we have 4 more on the way. And something tells me he's not going to be stopping anytime soon. We don't need to see a nation of Michael Jacksons.

Naming Names

2004-07-19T18:34:00.000-05:00

I got to the thinking about Kobe Bryant and his situation. His accuser desperately wants to be unnamed and now she fears for her safety if her name is revealed. Well if she gets to hide in anonymity why is it that Kobe can't? How is it that Kobe Bryant's name rings the same tone as a sexual violator? Is that fair for him? I think not.

According to the law, Kobe Bryant is innocent until proved guilty. Therefore that means his accuser hasn't been raped until it is proven. Therefore she should bear no rights to such anonymity. In my opinion it is the accused that should have protection, not the accuser.

In saying this, I hit to the web and dug up who his accuser was. What's interesting about public information is that it's just that...available to the public. So why even try to hide when one can simply just dig up your info in a matter of minutes.

So we all know who Kobe Bryant is. But who is his accuser?

Her name is Katelyn Kristine Faber.

Feel free to send her a nice card or flowers for support at 0817 Brush Creek Ct., Eagle, CO 81631. If you're frugal like me, you can just try an easier method. Like perhaps a phone call. So feel free to pick up the ole' phone and give Kate a call at (970) 328-6652. I know some people can stumble and get nervous on the phone, so don't fret. You can just as well send her an email which is nice and simple. So send your email of support to fabe5088@blue.unco.edu.

And if you live in Colorado, you just might see her around. So be sure to give her your best wishes. What's that? You don't know what she looks like? Oh my mistake, here let me help you out with that.

In my personal opinion, the accused stands more to lose. After all, at present, he is justly innocent. There's no reason for Kate to be anonymous. After all, it's public information.

Monopoly: Celebrity Edition

2004-07-18T12:45:00.000-05:00

It seems like every time a celebrity draws a card it's always Get out of Jail free. What's up with that? Is it possible that no high-profile celebrity can be properly charged and sentenced for their crimes?

O.J. Simpson. He killed two people and got away with it. Now let's just say that was my bloody footprint found on the residence. That alone would be enough to convict me and I'm 1000's of miles away from the murder scene.

Robert Blake's murder trial is being postponed. And he's out on bail right now. You heard me right. He's roaming about free. Now put me in his shoes. I'm at a Perkins with my fiancee. As we leave the restaurant I say, "Hey honey, you just head out to the car quickly. I forgot my gun at our booth." I go back in and get my gun and come out to find that my life has been shot and killed. Now what fucking sense does that story make? My bullshit tale would never hold up in court. And even if by some hellish miracle I wasn't the trigger man, no court would set me free on bail, let alone have a judge who's now postponing the murder trial.

Scott Peterson. Same deal there. Let's put it in my shoes. I'm married and cheating on my wife. So heck, I just have this need to go fishing a few hours away from the house. And sure as shit my wife turns up missing. And what do you know. They find her washed up body in the same fishing hole that I had went too. So what do I do then. I run. Run like shit. Take 10k cash, steal my brothers ID, die my hair, and take off for Mexico. Now I'm caught and standing trial. Does that sound like a case where the judge would consider throwing out? Well maybe not for me. But for lucky ole' Scott Peterson that's his situation. This guy is going to get away with murder. How and why his case became famous as opposed to many others? Beats me. In my eyes, he's a cheating fuck that just wanted to off his wife.

Lastly Martha Stewart. The ImClone founder gets 7 years in the slammer. That's quite a long time for assisting in the crime Martha committed. But what does Martha get.....5 lousy months at a facility that looks better than my own home. I just don't get it.

There's a glimmer of hope in my that I might become famous one day. And when I do, remind me to go kill someone. Apparently I can get away with it.

28 days and counting....

2004-07-15T03:35:00.000-05:00

Well I figured you guys were wanting an update on my challenge. So far so good. I must say the first few days were straining. It was almost as if my body was rebelling against me. I've done some pretty zany things in the past, but this has to be one of the more peculiar ones in quite some time.

Last night was a little scary. I had a dream where I was having sex with some random woman and my fiancee and her family walk in the house. So even in my own dreams I can't get away with screwing around on Krista. When I woke up I did a quick bed check to see if I was out $75. I was pleased to see that I was still good to go.

Avoiding erections is probably the hardest (no pun intended) part of this whole challenge. I never realized how much sexual content is in my day to day life. And I mean it's everywhere. Being the night owl that I am, my cable is plagued with those horrid B rate flicks that just show tits and asses to pull in the ratings.

I also thought I was going to experience some discomfort as a result of blue balls. But again, nothing's happening. I'm starting to think I might win this challenge.

Just another 28 days....

Road to Nowhere

2004-07-14T01:44:00.000-05:00

There are way to many crazed drivers on the road. During my early days of driving, I too was one of them. But then it was just to impress my friends with my dippin' & trippin' skills behind the wheel of a car. The fact that I had a '94 red Geo Metro meant absolutely nothing. Believe it or not I was still stuck with a $400 speeding ticket for driving 40mph over the limit.

After paying such a hefty fine, I made the decision to stop speeding. And I haven't since. Well...that's not entirely true. Of course I go over the limit, as does everyone, but I do not exceed it by 5mph. My results? A more calmer driving experience.

My mother's boyfriend unfortunately does not have such patience behind the wheel. He's a good guy and treats my mom right, but good God that man is a bastard at the wheel. It's like he's a whole new man where he even dared to snap at my mom a few times in my presence. Luckily I had the sense to figure out it was just his road rage, cause Lord only knows what my fists would do to any man that treated my mother wrong. Well, maybe her second husband knows. He awarded himself with a Cannon sibling beat down back in '95.

Back to my point of this topic though...

Why do people drive so insanely and with so much anger? Why the need to speed? Why endanger your lives and the lives of others? Why insist on driving when your impaired by either fatigue or intoxication?

I just don't get it. So much needed stress you're putting on yourself that isn't necessary. Why the rush? Just slow down. Enjoy the ride. Trust me. You're going to get to where you need to go.

Cheap Hotels Gone Cheap

2004-07-10T21:43:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting in an Amway owned Comfort Inn somewhere in some small town in Minnesota hours away from home. Indeed, it's a crappy motel. I think my share of the night's stay is going to be around $20. Of course, sharing in the nature of the crappiness, I am writing this post on a cheap ass laptop (cost $180 on Ebay) and using free internet, thanks to NetZero.

One of the joys of going to a motel/hotel is the gratitous amenities that they endow you with. Oh you know what I'm talking about. Coffee, water, soap, shampoo, towels, pillows, bath mats, etc.

I know, you don't have to tell me. Not all of this stuff is on the house. We just all justify a way as to why it should be free. For me, I'm in a smoking room, when we clearly specified a non-smoking room.

So as I was marinating in the old faint smell of a room routinely baked in cancer sticks, I decided to make best of my time and help myself out to a few free gifts. But I ran across a little sign that was resting on the table next to the free coffee machine that would look nice in my kitchen.

It read:

Due to the popularity of our guest room amenities, our Housekeeping Department now offers these items for sale:

Bath Towels $9.00
Bath Mats $12.00
Hand Towels $5.00
Face Cloths $2.00

Pillows $15.00

Looking in my bag, I was pleased to see that they priced my complimentary items. My room was already paid for by far and them some. Zipping up my bag, I was going to instruct my younger brother to head down to the swimming pool and pick up another $50 worth of towels.

But my impluse stopped dead when I finished reading the sign.

Each guest attendant is resonsible for maintaining the guest room items. Should you decide to take these articles from your room instead of obtaining them from the Execuctive Housekeeper, we will assume you approve a corresponding charge to your account.

Thank you.

Now ain't that some bullshit? Now I'm going to actually have to pay for my Christmas gifts this year. Thanks a lot Comfort Inn. You couldn't give me a smoke free room. You couldn't give me my gratitous towels, and tomorrow morning I wouldn't be surprised if you required a tip for your supposedly complimentary breakfast.

Psychological Profiteering Psychics

2004-07-08T10:36:00.000-05:00

I am still amazed that people buy into psychics. I haven't ulimately ruled my decision on whether one actually has the ability to see things that others might not be able to see. Anything is possible. However, I have yet to see anything convincing.

Every Wednesday on Montel, he has his favorite guest reappear on a routine basis - Sylvia Brown. Apparently she has the ability to contact the spirit world and get in touch with deceased loved ones. In addition, she has the ability to see other odd things as well. As she talked with people in the audience, one thing was for certain....this lady don't know shit. I mean nothing at all. The only thing that she could predict or know were things that cannot possibly be validated by any measures. Or she plays by sheer numbers, for if she guesses enough times, she's bound to get lucky once in awhile.

This holds mainly true with her famed predictions. Here's a list of her 2000 predictions. I will follow up with her predictions for the next 100 years. I am not going to comment on every single one of her predictions, because you'll get the gist of it. There's nothing she's predicting that none of us couldn't guess on our own. So what does she do? She forgets all about the predictions that she was wrong about and glorifies the one or two that she got right.

Her 2000 Predictions.

-Interest rates will rise very slowly until Spring and then will level off and begin to go downward.

-Stocks stay pretty steady. The NASDAQ fluctuates up and down wildly in March, but the Dow stays pretty solid.

-Building everywhere from all corners of the State (CA) is at an all-time high.

-There will be a lot of purchasing of property in foreign countries by Americans and for the first time at such an all-time high.

-There is going to be a shake-up at American Airlines during January and February. American will also merge with Alaska Airlines.

-TWA is hanging on by a thread and will probably not last until the end of the year.

-Unemployment will be very low. There will be another acceleration of the minimum hourly wage by mid-year.

-New electronic companies are in the making now, but will really burst on the scene by late Fall. This is as a result of not only technical advances but also genetic research.

-The beginnings of a surge for a flat tax will be bantered around and come to some conclusion before the next election that will take us into 2001.

-Air travel reaches an all-time high, but because of overbookings and poor service, the airlines will need to revamp their scheduling practices. opps....someone didn't predict 9-11

-As in the 1940's and 50's, we are going to see a lot of small businesses flourish like the old Mom and Pop operations. When's this going to happen? All I'm seeing is Walmart, Costco, and Super K-Mart.

-There is a big upsurge in the population looking for more antiques and handmade articles than things that are mass-produced.

-There will be extensive monitoring of the internet that will be imposed to govern and reduce indiscriminate pornography. This will be drastically different from the filtering software available now, along with harsh regulation. No shit sherlock. It's just common sense to understand that Internet Porn in the end will be strictly regulated. This will no doubt come as more and more people turn to the Internet to retrieve information and not smutty porn. But heck, I must be a psychic too.

-There will be a definite crackdown by the Federal Government regarding frivolous lawsuits. This has been bantered around for a while, but now a definite crackdown is imposed.

-Sorry to say there will be three hurricanes that hit in rapid succession in the Fall, again around the Bahamas, then Mexico, Florida, and the Carolinas. Wrong

-Tornadoes touch down in Ohio in April and a devastating one touches down in Brownesville and San Antonio, Texas in the Spring. Any Texans around? Can you name me a single year that TX never got a tornado?

-An earthquake hits around the Niagara Falls area, small but significant because of where it is.

-There will be small earthquakes that hit around the Northern California area in January and February, nothing of significance.
Los Angeles registers a 5.3 earthquake in and around the valley in late March. News Flash, California experiences 100's of earthquakes a year. None of them are significant.

-Seattle area, around Olympia, gets a 4.9 earthquake around June. None of these earthquakes above are devastating.

-The warming trend continues and climates begin to change drastically even more than we have seen in the last ten years. Slyvia, perhaps if you never read the news and just came out of a isolated cave during the majority of your life, would I dare consider the possibility that you predicted this one. But since Global Warmning is has been a catch phrase for years, it's utterly shocking how you would predict this.

-Temperatures along the East Coast become milder and along the West Coast colder and more damp and also due in part to the polar tilt.Now tell us all what a polar tilt is.

-NASA finally cuts back on the space program realizing that every time they send up a space vehicle they are tearing the ozone layer.Absurd. Private industries are no even taking it to space. And I don't know....there's that one thing.....Mission to Mars.

-The midwestern U.S. has a big uprising because of some kind of polluted waste hazard. This has not been recognized at this point, but begins to surface around Branson.

-There is going to be a very definite detection of mines and some bombs that have not been detonated off the coast of Hawaii.

-Train wrecks will occur in France and England causing quite a bit of devastation in May.

-In June a major airline disaster is averted. Well you were right about the disaster. Except it came a year and some months later. And by the way....it wasn't averted.

-An airline high-jacking is thwarted out of Florida in August.
Democrats will win the election with Bill Bradley, with close competition from the Reform Party.I'm mailing you a large rock. Once recieved, please smack it into your forehead for me. Thank you.

-New York crime continues to be at an all-time low, and crime across the country, including crime in schools seems to reach an all-time low.

-The one thing that is very frightening as we go into the millennium, and even though spirituality is at an all-time high, is that we will see more occult groups arising and people professing to be the Messiah. Still waiting on that one.

-Organized religion becomes gentler and kinder and more liberal, which goes along with spirituality and in keeping with Christ's words.

-We are approaching an age of innate goodness and acceptance and the philosophy of living and let live. People become more conscious of others like it was in the 1940's and 50's; e.g., when someone dies, people come together to help with a more community-like lifestyle. Families begin to band together as they once did.

-Elizabeth Taylor ends up back at the Betty Ford Center.

-Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston get married, but it lasts for only a short time.

-Gwyneth Paltrow marries an older man who is in the entertainment business, but not as well known as she. Lead singer of Cold Play. Around her age. That's who she married. And yeah, wasn't the year 2000 either.

-David Letterman decides to call it quits from his nightly late show after this year. Considering the fact that the man had major heart surgery in Jan. 2000, I would have thought this too. But then I recalled the fact that the man just sits on his ass for an hour cracking jokes every day.

-John Travolta has to be very careful flying his plane in February.As opposed to flying reckless all the time?

-Donald Trump buys another large hotel and goes into partnership with someone very well known in a production company.As opposed to Donald Trump never buying a thing and never merging or acquiring more companies?

-Neither Warren Beatty nor Donald Trump has any success in politics.

-Courtney Cox will get pregnant this year and have a baby boy.Four years later and it was a baby girl.

Heck Sylvia, you must be a psychic. Because after all of this you did get one right.....Warren Beatty and Donald Trump had no success in politics. But I guess you would first have to run for office to fail in politics. But whatever, you're the psychic, and I'm just the guy making random guesses.

Her Predictions for the next 100 years.

-Eradication of cancer as we know it, using sound waves, photo sensitive drug therapy, and "self-addicting" cells.

-Robotic houses, controlled by computerized switchboard.
Electrical cars with flotation ability for water travel to bypass freeways.Get out of here....Technology is still going to progress? Say it ain't so.

-Houses made from pressed paper with plastic coatings; interchangeable walls

-Separate body parts cloned for organ transplants; not an entire body.

-New form of painless tooth extraction, using a type of suction, with immediate replacement of new tooth.

-Diagnostic chambers which map the body's electrical balance to predict health problems before the come.

-Cylindrical rooms in which people enter to see an automated projection of the clothing and color that would look good on them; select what you want, take your measurements, then two days later pick up the goods.

-Third floor of houses have rollback roofs to allow Hovercrafts to come and go.

-No more surgery with knives. Some type of molecular ionization device that knows how to take out the afflicted cells then seal the wound without a single scar.

-Remolding of the whole face structure, to duplicate any look that you wish.

-New exercise equipment that you sit or stand in, and it literally stimulates your muscles with electricity to achieve the same effect as physical exercise.We tried that once already. Why don't we just start jiggling our fat in hopes of it to go away?

-Babies will be birthed in water all the time, with music, incense, and green and lavender lights.

-People will be able to simply "walk out" of their bodies upon death.

-There will be no US Presidency; our government will go back to a Greek Senate structure.

-No longer a single Pope, but a triumvirate of Popes, each assigned to a geographic collection of Catholics.

-Peace in the Middle East will prevail by 2050.

-West Coast goes under in 2026. Parts of the East Coast also get inundated. Tsunamis will wipe out a large portion of Japan. The Hawaiian Islands will have upheaval and be the site of a large new landmass.

-Atlantis will begin to show itself by 2023 and be fully visible by 2026.

-After 2050, the "Age of the Messiah" is upon us. People turn totally toward Spirituality, peace will rein for a long time. People will return to community living, loving each other, and working together.

-Treatment for depression and mood disorders will come from a "control chamber" that emits sensory stimulation gently to the brain, including certain smells, which will elevate mood.

-Medicine in pill form goes away; instead we have air-injected delivery through the skin.

-Atomic batteries will run cars.

-No more gas propelled rockets in space; we will have nuclear powered cylinder shaped objects that travel everywhere.

-A moon base is created for people to visit, and as a stopping place for further trips.Wait wait wait...what about all that ozone deteriation caused by space travel? What a fuckin' idiot...

-By 2055 most people will live in domed cities due to poor atmospheric conditions. Ah, I spoke to soon. However, it doesn't refute the fact that she's still a fuckin' idiot.

-A virtual reality headset will stimulate brain waves so people can learn whole libraries of information within hours.Yeah, I read Battlefield Earth too...even saw the movie.

-Giant fruits and vegetables will be grown in hothouse environments. The nutrients will be synthesized into a highly condensed injection.

-Proteins are developed without animal meat, very powerful, builds immune system.

-Addictions will be a thing of the past because of a brain stimulation, which eradicates all addictions, with no side effects.

-Execution for the death penalty will become a complete vaporization of the body.Another rock is now in the mail. You know what to do with it when it gets to you Sylvia. Thank you.

-No separate governments, one planetary government will form.

-Great earth changes will occur and germ warfare will be used before the world finds peace. But eventually from all of the bad comes good. The pendulum will swing back to humanity and love.

-No world war is coming, but lots of civil disorder and small skirmishes. No nuclear holocaust.

-Peace will last from 2050 until 2100, and then I see nothing beyond, which could mean "the end will come like a thief in the night."

-Toward the end of things, the veil separating our world from The Other Side will thin, so much so that most people will see decease loved ones and speak with their Spirit Guides.

-There will be many false prophets that rise up proclaiming to be Jesus on Earth, and try to lead people astray. We are already seeing this in the big rise of occultism.

-People will again find Spirituality, not so much in organized religion, but in the spiritual brotherhood of coming together and finding their Temple within.

-Four more comets will pass by before the end times.News Flash....thousands of comets fly by Earth all the time.

-Aliens will begin to show themselves in the year 2010, they will not harm us, they simply want to see what we are doing to this planet. They will teach us how to use anti-gravity devices again, such as they did for the pyramids.Another rock is in the mail. This one should do the trick if the first two I sent failed.

Here's my prediction for the next 100 years. We'll either be dead or dying to give two flying shits about Sylvia Brown's 100 years prediction.

Omitting Nocturnal Emissions - The 40 Day Challenge

2004-07-03T06:54:00.000-05:00

You might need to watch that sap Josh Harnet horribly attempt to act in 40 Days and 40 Nights to pick up the whole scope of what I'm going to be talking about.

However, I'll give you a quick synopsis of the film. The pseodu-stud Harnett plays a role in where he's a guy that's swearing off sex for Lent. He just had a bad break up and all he can do is just have sex, sex, sex with all these various women and it's tearing him apart. So for 40 day he cannot have sex of any kind.

Now I was fine up until the point where his roommate performed a bed check with an ultraviolet light to check for any fluids. Now that's where my gripe stands.

For a guy that was non-stop sexual active who stops, I don't think it's even humanly possible for him to stand the 40 days without some type of ejaculation. Sure he might not have sex, or might not even masturbate, but this crappy excuse for a film forget one other method of ejaculation. The kind that is involuntary. We know it best as a "wet dream". Though the cordial term (if it's even possible for it to be cordial) is "nocturnal emission".

Now I've been reading various theories from "credible sources" all over the Net and there seems to be a confliction. Some people say that nocturnal emissions only happen when there is a sperm build up, while others contest that the body will reabsorb the built up semen. So how am I to believe?

I can't speak for every guy out there, but I can speak for myself. Since the age of 14, the most I probably ever spent without an ejaculation was 2-3 weeks. And that was only because I was in the military for basic training and the first few weeks were surreal. Take note, I was gone 6 months in all for training, so it's apparent at some point I cracked. But as the drill sargeants told us when we got there, "Just remember privates, you can't get your socks pregnant." Kinda puts a whole new meaning to the term, "sock puppet" eh?

Now, I do believe that one can who is not frequently sexually active can go for lenghty periods of time without ejaculation. But for those of us guys that are frequently active, I just can't buy the concept that is even possible. I think the body gets in a habit of such things. But who knows I could be wrong.

So I am putting myself to the test. For the next 40 days I am not going to engage in any sexual activity that would result in ejaculation. Now I doubt I can completely turn myself off, but what I will do is stray from anyone or anything that could possibly arose me to increase the my build up of sperm. So for safe measures I'm sleeping on the couch till the challenge is over.

Of course, there needs to be some type of wager on this bet. And I already know what you're thinking. Well Shawn, you can just as easily cheat to win the bet. So to overcome that temptation, I'm going to reverse the bets. If I have a any type of ejaculation within 40 days, I lose. If I don't, I win.

What's the wager you ask?

If I lose, I will make a $75 donation to Fenway Community Health.

And if I win, I will make a $25 donation to the same charity.

Fenway is a nonprofit organization that teaches folks about safe sex and AID/HIV awareness. Seeing the nature of this challenge, I figure that's the type of organization I should give funds too.

7:30 AM CST on August 12, 2004 is the date and time to beat. Here goes nothing.

Boob fined by FCC Boobs

2004-07-01T09:56:00.000-05:00

So CBS is getting fined a half a million dollars a a split second shot of Janet Jackson's breast. How freaking retarded is that? My whole life I've been seeing nudity all over the television screen. So what's the big deal now?

Allow me to take you through a bit of a timeline to illustrate my point.

1957: The gorgeous and busty Jayne Mansfield bent over and her nipple was seen on broadcast television to countless viewers.

The Fine

The Result

Here's something really interesting. Not even a decade later, viewers were outraged when Barbara Eden's character on "I Dream of Jeanie" was going to show her belly button on network television. It was deemed in too upappropriate for television.

The Result

1973: With complete intention, Valerie Perrine showed her nipples on PBS in a unisex shower scene with Bill Bixby.

The Fine

The Result

1977: The miniseries Roots showed full frontal nudity of African black women.

The Fine

The Result

Skip forward to the 90's. NYPD Blue dared to show all types of nudity including the gruesome image of Dennis Franz's ass that tortured America. This image was so disturbing that no where on the net can an image be found. And I am shamed that I even thought to expose you to the horror. Forgive me.

The Fine

The Result:

1994: Meredith Baxter (you remember her as Mrs. Keaton from "Family Ties") dared to star in a television network movie called, "The Breast". So naturally, what did she have to do? Show her tits. And I'm not talking just a nipple peek either. You saw everything.

The Fine

The Result

2004: ER showed full frontal of an 80 year old woman with a child about the age of 12 on the same set. And yes, they were lumpy and saggy. Shame on you NBC for my re-occuring nightmare.

The Fine

The Result

Super Bowl 2004: Janet Jackon shows a covered nipple on the SuperBowl.

The Fine

The Result

For Christ's Sake, you didn't even see a clear shot of her nipple on Janet!! It wasn't until they paused the split second scene, and blew up the image did they realize that the very center of symbol was her nipple. I personally am more offended that I had to suffer watching the young Queer Eye Timberlake.

So let's take a look at some pictures of what I was talking about. You be the judge. Of these pictures, who should have been fined and for who much? It kinda puts perspective on things when they are robbing CBS of so much for something so little.

Jayne Mansfield's Nipple Slip

Mrs. Keaton's Mango

$550,000 boob as determined by FCC boobs

Confusing Equation

2004-06-26T05:26:00.000-05:00
We all know what happens when you put add 1 + 1. You get 2. That's a simple math equation. You learn that at a very young age. I would venture to say that nearly every 4 year old knows that 1 + 1 = 2.

Later in life we learn to add logic into an equation. For instance. Red is to apple, as banana is to __________. Of course, logic fills you in on this obvious answer - Yellow.

Again this is just the very basics in logic and deductive reasoning. Over time this develops and you can logically piece together a tremendous amount of equations. Sometimes you might not even realize that you are even doing so as it grows to become natural.

However there is one equation that has always baffled me in my 25 years of life. Now, here's the interesting part. Much like how I know 1 + 1 = 2, I also know why 1 + 1 = 2. Even in terms of the fruit, I can easily learn why an apple is red and a banana is yellow.,

However for this equation, even though I see the answer. I'm just baffled as to who the equation fit together. It's not the answer itself that is the puzzler. But rather the companents of the equation themselves. And here's the part that will totally throw you off. The equation can bring about multiple answers. Ain't that wild?

The best way is to just tell you the equation. See if you first can solve it. What do you get when you combine:

+

See the confusion now. It's apparent that this is a man and a woman. That's the obvious part. However, here's the confusing part. The woman is the typical working woman who is moving up the career ladder. She's both German and Russian. Religion has always been on the better side of her life.

The man is a hardened sociopath. You name the crime and he's committed it. Selling drugs, pimping and pandering, conspiracy to murder, kidnapping, assault & battery, and the list goes on. It's insane when you think of how such a man is even allowed to walk the streets.

Some how these two worlds collided and intertwined together for over 3 years back in the late 70's. How and why that came to pass is a mystery that will never be known to man. And in the September of 1978, this peculiar pair concieved the first of what would be two products. And on June 9, 1979 all the Earth fell to silence for a split second to hear the first cry of what was the first of two answers to this equation.

That product grew over the next 25 years to become this man:

Who's this man you might ask? This here is a man that faced all odds that were against him and rose to become quite an astonishing individual. With a combination of good looks, confidence, and brains, he is destined to do something great in his lifetime.

Who is this man you ask again? Well you're reading the news in his mind right now. That's who this man is. Do you see the confusion now?

The answer is fine. It's the components of the equation that are simply baffling.

South Korea Did It Right

2004-06-21T13:58:00.000-05:00
Well it looks like those terrorists are at it again with their lastest trend in slaughter - beheading. They just captured a South Korean who's scheduled to have his head taken off sometime today if the South Koreans do not withdraw their troops from Iraq and make no further efforts to bring in more troops.

How does South Korea respond? They pretty much told the terrorists, "Yeah, yeah, expect another 1000 troops to be arriving safely."

Now many would protest that the government has no heart for it's people. And many in South Korea are in fact doing that. So I'm sure you're thinking, "Why the hell is Shawn supporting such heartless government antics?"

The reason I simple. I believe that's the way to handle these terrorists. They think they can bully countries around by kidnapping someone and cutting off their heads. That's not the case at all. However, when government heads start issuing apologizes and prayers of sorrow for the innocent captured, they were feeding into the desires of the terrorists. It's essentially feeding them as they are getting the response that they are wanting. So what did South Korea do? They acted like they gave to squats about who the terrorists capture. It makes no difference in the fact that 1000 more troops are on their way.

Now think of it this way. These terrorists want foreign opposition out of the Middle East. And in attempting to make that happen they have been beheading folks. However, what if the opposite were to happen. And for every head that gets cut off another 1000 troops enter the Middle East.

You see my point? The beheadings effectively become useless as it's only creating more of a problem for them. And the more opposition they have to face, the greater likely they will be hunted down and either killed or jailed in some undisclosed location somewhere in the world.

So to all your terrorists out there. Go ahead and do your worse. In the end it's only building up the inevitable destruction of your pathetic forces.

For cripes sakes, the majority of those that have already committed the previous beheadings dating back to Daniel Pearle have already been jailed or killed.

Better luck next time. Maybe you should retread and do what Saddamm did in his last pitiful efforts - Challenge Bush to a formal duel.

Safety Rendered Uncool

2004-06-18T13:03:00.000-05:00
Summers out. Girls wear less, people exercise more. And nearly all of the 80% of Wisconsin's population that represents the overweight eat one less cheeseburger a day in hops to look good for the summer. Of course it's time to bring out the toys as well. Boats hit the lakes, fast cars hit the streets, and motorcycles zig zag all around town with their modified exhaust systems guaranteeing your fractional ear damage as they whiz by.

Seeing that Wisconsin hosts the city that gave birth to Harley Davidson, it's only fitting that I see dozens of them any given day. More so now that I live in a blue collar town where you ain't a man unless you got a hog and a hot chick to roll around with it. Though in Janesville, they got it a little backwards. It looks more like the chick is the hog and the hottest thing is the bike itself.

But anyways, on to the topic at hand. I would easily venture to guess that 1 in 100 Harley Riders wear safety helmets. I personally value my life, so I am not concerned with any "cool" factor that might threaten my very existance.

Initially I at first thought it was just the fact that they didn't want to be seen as a dweeb for wearing a helmet. However, I think it goes beyond that. I think it goes more along the fact that these tools want to get recognized on their bikes. That's apparent by the pseudo-bad ass mug they sport that probably took them hours of practicing in front of a mirror.

But what fricken difference does it make? I can't recall a time in my life where I saw a guy in the grocery store and quickly tapped Krista on the shoulder saying, "Look...that's the guy....that guy we saw the other day on the highway."

Gimme a million breaks already.

The fact that you have the cash to drop on a $30,000 Harley so you can drive on the 2 days of summer Wisconsin has is impressive enough for me. Does it really matter if one sees your face or not? I don't ever recall a case hearing someone say, "Man why is he wearing a helmet? I can't even see him. What's the point of having a motorcycle if I can't see him?"

Get real bikers. Wear a helmet, cause the face you don't want recognized is the one the forensics team will need to peel off the asphalt after you bust your junk on your bike.

Conversations Under Construction

2004-06-17T14:23:00.000-05:00
Why is it that some people are totally clueless in conversations? Wait, let me step back a second. My focus isn't on the conversation itself. Rather it's for those people that talk when they have no clue that there's an ear that is either listening, an ear that doesn't want to listen, or an ear that needs to put its attention on something else.

It's no secret that as I am one of the .000000000126% Weight Watcher members that happens to be a guy. By the looks of my class, and I've gone on different days, at different times, that the median member is 40ish, causasian, and obviously overweight. So naturally me being a young male mulatto, I stand out like Michael Jackson at a Million Man March. I'm over exaggerating really. They actually like seeing guys who are "man" enough to come in and dare to lose weight at Weight Watchers.

But back to the topic at hand. There was a lady there that wanted to make a comment at the beginning of the class. She wanted to let everyone know of some 12 dollar exercise program going on at the YMCA. And that's fine and dandy and all, but good gracious, she wouldn't shut the fuck up. She just kept going and going and going and it was apparent by the crowd that they wouldn't to get back to the class. Even the leader was dropping hints to get back on track. But nothing was stopping this woman from talking. If life was a cartoon, no doubt an ACME anvil would have flattened her like a pancake. But alas this is real life.....

So what needs to be done to stop such people?

For whatever reason it's apparent that these people are laking the social skill of realizing when it's time to shut up. Most of us have this ability. Have you ever talked to someone and you can just see their eyes glaze over with disinterest? Or perhaps they turn there heads and have their focus on something else while they just nod away and say, "uh huh, uh huh" over and again? Well I for one know when to shut up and move on.

In soccer if a player gets out of line, the official throws out a colored card indicated what type of violation occured. Well I think to help these people out we need a similar system for them to visually understand that they need to zip the lip. Because apparently verbal subtleties and body language isn't enough for them.

So we should all start carrying these cards around. And the next time Chatty Cathy and Gabby Gabe continue to run their vocals in contexts that just need to end, you show them your bright yellow card with the such bold print titles as:

"You're Boring Me."

"No One is Listening."

or

"Shut the Fuck Up"

Of course in the case of the "Shut the Fuck Up" card it is possible you might offend them. However that can be easily remedied by flipping over the back where it reads....."Please".

The Passing of Truth

2004-06-15T10:59:00.000-05:00
Here's a very short story I wrote once for a writing contest. I wish I could have told you I won, but I didn't. However, everyone that has read it, considers it to be a terrific read. Of course, I'm inclined to agree with them as many of the things I write, I enjoy.

What's interesting about my writing style is that I don't plan things that far out in advance, if any at all. I tend to write off the top of my head and somehow my brain always figures out a way to not only tie things together, but it dares to try something that I haven't done before.

I introduce to you:

The Passing of Truth

By S. Michael Cannon

She looked behind her once again before she pushed open the door. She knew she only had moments to search the office. In this time of conflict, a woman’s presence in this room would only douse oil on the existing fires of hell. Her eyes were immediately drawn to a handwritten note resting on the middle of the desk. It was the writing of her husband and it read, “For all things will be brought into judgment, including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil. Today the World loses Truth. I, so falsely great, stand to let things pass.”

Tears welled in her eyes as she read the pain that was expressed by the man that kept her heart. Such a burden had been cast on him. He is only but a man, but in the presence of the people he was required to hold the face of a god. Such responsibility took a toll on him, and it was only she that saw his tears at night.

The shouting of the crowds in the courtroom were rising as more people came to witness the trial. The people have already made their decision. As were the ways of the law, they awaited the final condemning word of her husband, the presiding jurisdiction of this trial. She knew that she could not stand to allow such judgment to pass. There had to be something that could be done. Her husband was already seated at the judge’s seat overhearing the numerous accusations that were being thrown about. She believed all of them to be false. Her husband would have given her a concerning ear. But now that he was in the courtroom, it would be difficult seeing him. However, she knew of a way to send a message, thus her reason for being in this room.

Leaning over the desk she inscribed a note. Clutching the message of hope close to her chest, she hurried out the office. The hallway was completely empty as everyone was in the courtroom watching and participating in the trial. The sounds of the crowd intensified as her husband was heard defending the accused. The tension could be felt throughout the entire building. It was apparent that if the people did not get their demands met, a destructive insurrection would follow. Even in the face of many, one must maintain integrity. She saw the agony in her husband over the years as he slowly lost his soul to the people. Today it was going too far. She needed to help her husband win himself back to his own morality.

Turning the corner, she saw the side entrance of the courtroom. There were two armed guards standing in front of the doors. They stood motionless as they saw the woman stop before them.

In an elevated voice to be heard over the roaring masses she made her request, “Please make way as I have to deliver something to the Procurator.”

The two guards remained as statues as they stood their post.

“This is a matter of immediate importance,” she continued. “Please make way.”

She could hear her husband’s voice as he addressed the crowd with his opinions of the trial. He spoke with such outward confidence, but she knew him all to well. He was trembling on the inside. By the uproar of the crowd it was apparent that they detested his opinion of the matter.

She looked up at the guards with an attempted look of command in her eyes. “Do you not realize I am Claudia Procula? I command you to step aside and make way.”

One of the guards glanced down at her, and with a quick blink of the eye, he maintained his composure and continued to stare straight ahead. With her eyes now drown with tears; she collapsed to the floor in a manner unfitting for a woman of her stature. She clutched the legs of the guard, and as a natural reflex his hand moved towards his sheathed weapon.

“Listen to those crowds,” she cried. “They have gone mad. The consequences of their demands have not been thought out. I beg of you. Please see the morality within you. Understand what is about to take place on this hour. If I am not allowed in there, then please take this message to the Procurator.”

She rose and placed her written note in the hands of the guard. Once again his eyes looked down into hers, but this time he maintained eye contact. On the opposite side of the door, the words of the judge gave the crowd an ultimatum. A thunder rang through the crowd as they repetitively chanted their demands in opposition of the judge’s overt desires.

“Cannot you see?” she pleaded. “Now is the time. Enough people have already died. Please tell me what I need to tell you so that you may understand what has to be done.”

As if it was by a miracle from above, the guard slightly nodded. He motioned with his hand for her to remain where she stood. Turning about, he pushed open the door and the roars from the crowd escaped and overwhelmed Claudia. She trembled with the realization of what it was her husband was facing. As the door closed shut she dropped to her knees in prayer that the message would reach him in time.

The crowd demanded a final verdict to be rendered by the Procurator. All fell silent as they anxiously waited to hear what had to be said. “I am innocent of this man’s blood”, she heard her husband declare. “It is your responsibility. I surrender this man to your will.”

The crowd exploded with a mixture of cheers and jeers. At last they were given control of the situation, but however they found disfavor with a judge who could not take responsibility of his own. The doors in front of Claudia opened and Pontius Pilate stood before her. He was holding her message in his hands. The guards promptly closed the door after him. Rising from her prayer, she grasped her dear love and he buried his head into her shoulder to keep his face hidden while he wept. The message fell from his hands and onto the floor. It had read, “Don’t have anything to do with that innocent man, for I have suffered a great deal today in a dream because of him.”

The crowds outside content with the decision that had been made dragged Jesus the Christ away and crucified him.

Can You Believe This Shit?

2004-06-11T09:32:00.000-05:00
We live in a world where everyone is afraid of something. Fear is a tremendous force that affects countless things. I just did a google search on "Fear drives" and it came with about 797,000 webpages. I also ran searches for "fear creates" and "fear causes" and came up with yet another 3 million or so pages.

I couldn't find a complete list of all known phobias, as I imagine there's thousands of new phobias that are being added every year. There's even a fear of fear itself.

But anyways, back to the topic at hand as foreshadowed by the title of this post. About ten minutes ago I took a shit. I know, I know...too much information. But whatever. It's my mind, if you don't like it, get out.

And as usual, I grunted at this annoying bodily function. So I initially set out to search on the internet to find a cure for shitting. Of course, I didn't find one. No big surprise there.

But I did stumble across soemthing that I found to be quite interesting. I literally said, "I don't believe this shit."

Defacaloesiophobia

Don't bother even asking me how to pronounce that one. I have no friggin' clue. Of course, now you're wondering what Defacaloesiophobia is. Well it's the fear of taking a painful shit. We all have those days when it feels like we crapping out our insides, and not one of us can ever say we enjoy it. But I had no idea people walked around in their lives scared to take a dump due to the possible agony that it might cause.

This phobia can get so bad that there is actually medication that can be prescribed to lossen up this crappy fear. If you thought I had a screw or to lose, then it's apparent you have never met a whacko stricken with Defacaloesiophobia.

If you just so happen to be a Defacaloesiophobiac, then have no fear. There is a cure for you. You can either:
Kill yourself for being such a loon
or
Sign up for some online service that claims to rid you of this fear.

Hopefully you're not a Kathisophobiac. But if so, no need to worry just stay standing while you opt for the latter of the two options. I'm assuming of course you would pick the latter, especially if you're a Thanatophobia. However if you're a Cyberphobia, you're pretty much screwed. Well...not necessarily, you could always have a friend or relative sign you up then. Hopefully in this case you're a Chrometophobiac, cause then they might be more inclined to spend their money instead.

Happy Crapping!!

Unspoken Truth of a Deaf Mind

2004-06-08T20:05:00.000-05:00
There's one thing that has been frustrating me. And three times it happened today. Western culture is overly sensitive and it limits one's ability to say what needs to be said. The interesting thing is that in some cases many words are spoken through body language and tone. Though some of us aren't in tuned as others, human nature as a whole is constantly trying to read what the other person actually is saying without saying. And dammit, I'm tired of it.

Today at Chi-chi's we had a horrible waitress. Allow me to address her:

It's not that you did anything extremely wrong, but what you were attempting to do right you just did it horribly. How often do I need to be asked if everything's okay? I don't mind being asked that once, maybe twice, but don't ask me everytime you step past my booth. And most certainly don't interrupt my current conversation to ask me without using common sense interjections such as, "Excuse me" or "Pardon". And of all things, don't ask me while you're in transit for the sake of asking. Cause even if I had something to say you would be long gone before I uttered my first word.

And after you give us the check, you suddenly cease the five minute check ups and disappear for 15 minutes with us waiting for you to pick up the credit card to pay. I just don't get it.

I wanted to tell you, "Look, you performed horribly as a waitress today and we were only one of two tables for you. I am inclined to not live you a tip whatsoever. Next time, pay attention to the circumstances. Don't interrupt so often. And don't ask me how I'm doing everytime I take a bite to eat or a sip to drink. Frankly, that's rude."

But what stopped me from telling her? Cause I know she would have been offended by it. No one can take critism constructively anymore. True enough, I don't know for sure how she would have reacted, but based on the idea I got of her persona I think she would of. Regardless, due to the oversensitivity of Americans as a whole, I was inclined to bite my tongue.

Just again this happened to me again when I was talking to my upline in financial management network I'm in. Now there's nothing wrong with the company and he shows no reflection to the company itself, but I don't think I can trust this guy. Why? Because of his attitude change towards me with no explanation and because of the fact that I think he was tempted to personally sponsor a lead of mine.

Now here's the bullshit of it. It's a bitch to call someone out on something when it's so easy to deny. Yet the tone of voice never lies. It never does. And truthfully speaking I wouldn't have thought anything of the matter if he first didn't mention that he had no intention of stealing a downline.

My mind jumped to the obvious question, "Why the heck would he say that outta the blue after telling me how he talked with my lead and is going to personally meet her."

And it wasn't the words, it was how he said it. And the fact he repeated it more than once.

But gosh darn I wish I could just speak my mind and say:

[Upline's name], I don't trust you. And I don't want to be in your direct organization anymore. I want to leave an join another group and I don't want you to think anything more of it than what it is. Something's fishy, and whatever reason you're clamped on the matter. Have a good day, just no where near me. Thank you.

One day. One day I'll say whatever it is that's on my mind. I just need to learn to avoid the typical bullshit social charade that so commonly goes along with it.

Bogus Boca

2004-06-06T11:16:00.000-05:00
It's not a secret that I'm trying to eat healthier to knock off some of this excess fat that decided to call my body home. In doing so, my fiancee and I started buying these vegeterian burgers and other types of phony meat.

By itself, they don't taste that great, but when dressed up with all the typical burger fixings, the stuff isn't that half bad. So I suppose the vegans aren't suffering all that bad after all.

However, an idea struck me that was kinda interesting. Why ulimately deny yourself meat if it's what you crave? I mean that's why they have these artificial meat substitutes right? They acknowledge the fact they want and desire meat, but they are held up on the idea that they don't need to fully satisfy their own desires.

If you want to make a statement, why not just omit it all together. I mean I kinda relate it to swearing and censorship. What's the difference between saying, "God damn fucking asshole!" and "Gosh darn friggin a-hole!" Either way the same idea was conveyed. Your swearing while pretending that you're not swearing.

So isn't it the same with these phony burger eating vegans? Whether they are eating phony meat or real meat, aren't they saying it's okay to eat meat?

They do exist

2004-06-05T19:05:00.000-05:00
There's the Easter Bunny.

And you have Santa Clause.

Of course, we can't forget the Tooth Fairy, or even that lovable flying baby Cupid.

But there's one mythical creature that I always thought to be just a figment of man's warped mentality. However I was recently proven wrong. And the thought that such a thing exists even baffles me as to how it can be in existance.

I'm sure you're sitting at the edge of your seat burning with desire as to what I could be referring to. Well, certainly you can't expect me to just come out and say it, can you?

If you have ever seen the movie, "Super Troopers", then you have heard of such a beast. It was in no reference to the actual existance of this vile animal, but rather it was used in the form of a prank.

The result of this prank led to one of the funniest quotes in the movie.

"License and registration, Chickenfucker!"

Chickenfucker. I know what you're thinking. I thought the same too. Can such a thing actually exist?

I searched everywhere from the crust of the Internet to it's meaty center, and my curiosity was caught off guard when I discovered........That they do exist.

VALPARAISO -- After chicken feathers and blood were found all over a room at Valparaiso Motel on Monday, Valparaiso police were called to investigate. The room was found to have been rented Sunday night to Michael Bessigano, a 30-year-old Valparaiso man with a history of harming and having sex with animals. Police questioned Bessigano on Tuesday, and police said he admitted he had sex with a chicken.

Bessigano was booked into Porter County Jail on a felony animal cruelty charge. Because this is the third crime against animals he's been charged with, he also is being charged as a habitual offender, said Chief Deputy Prosecutor Brian Gensel.

He faces up to 7 1/2 years in prison if convicted of both charges.

"He's got problems and hopefully he will be getting some help," said Valparaiso Detective Lt. Mike Brickner. "He has these urges that need to be addressed."

Brickner said Bessigano stole a chicken Sunday from a chicken farm along Ind. 2, south of Valparaiso. He took the chicken to his motel room on U.S. 30, which he'd just rented that one night, and plucked its feathers so he could have sex with it, Brickner said.

Bessigano then had sex with the animal and it died, Brickner said.

Although Bessigano has been out of jail since January, police said this is his first run-in with the law this year.

"There's no indication he's done this (animal abuse) recently prior to that night," Brickner said.

The owner of the motel told police he had no idea Bessigano was a convicted animal abuser. Motel officials discovered the blood and feathers when they went to clean the room.

Bessigano's animal abuse dates back to 1991 when he was arrested twice, once after being accused of breaking a rooster's neck and once after he was found in a neighbor's goose pen apparently attempting to molest the geese.

He was also accused of having sex with and killing a Rottweiler dog at a rural Crown Point ranch in 1992. He was convicted of theft and cruelty to an animal, and was imprisoned until 1994.

A month after his release, he was arrested in connection with the attempted theft of a German shepherd from some property in St. John Township. He was returned to prison, then was transferred to prison psychiatric care. He spent time behind bars after he was charged with biting a health care provider at Logansport's psychiatric unit in 1999.

He was released on probation in January and had been living with a family member in Valparaiso.

Bessigano has said he slept with dead animals, including a raccoon, when he was a child. While in jail, he would sleep under his cot, paint cat-like stripes on his body and make drawings referring to himself as "master of cats."

LUSAKA (Reuters) - A 50-year-old Zambian man has hanged himself after his wife found him having sex with a hen, police said Friday.
The woman caught him in the act when she rushed into their house to investigate a noise.

"He attempted to kill her but she managed to escape," a police spokesman said.

The man from the town of Chongwe, about 50 km (30 miles) east of Lusaka, killed himself after being admonished by other villagers.

The hen was slaughtered after the incident.

Okay, I know, that was all gross. But heck, I don't make the news, I just report it. And in this case, I drop to my knees and thank the good Lord that I'm not making this news.

However, there are those that have actually made a legitmate business out of chicken fucking. I know, it sounds goofy right off the bat, but it truly is a legitimate enterprise.

One of the world's most specialised careers would have to be chicken sexing. Melbourne man, Bob Martin, has spent sixty years studying and practising vent-sexing. His book, The Specialist Chicken Sexer is a fascinating documentation of this obscure but vital quest for technical accuracy.

His book explains how poultry owners once waited until chicks were five to six weeks old before differentiating male from female. This became visible when adult feathers started appearing and cockerels (males) developed different feathers from pullets (hens). But for commercial egg producers it's important to keep the females and not feed males unnecessarily.

In 1924 three Japanese scientists developed a technique for determining the sex of hatchlings investigating the chick's vent (rear end). In 1934 the first Japanese chicken sexers arrived in Australia to train locals in the new technique. Some Australians were trained but World War II intervened and the Japanese chicken sexers went home.

Mr Martin's book describes the technique which involves close examination of the chicken's cloaca, which is a common external opening for the digestive, urinary and reproductive tract. The sexer looks for a degenerate penis which marks all males but also 15% females. The skill comes in determining the sex of this 15%. It sounds simple, but in fact requires great concentration, accuracy, long hours of training and practice examination.

Two of Australia's top chicken sexers, Mr Harley Hall, one of the original chicken sexers trained by the Japanese in the early 1930s, and Mr Frank Evans, considered one of Australia's all-time top sexers, and able to sex 800 chicks an hour with 99% accuracy.

The value to the industry and the skill required is recognised and Mr Martin said top sexers may earn $400-$700 a day plus expenses. A fair day's work could see 5000-7000 chicks sexed.

And to think, I used to say that promiscuous people fucked liked rabbits. I stand corrected.

The Critic's Critic

2004-05-29T17:35:00.000-05:00
Regardless of what particular network you watch on TV you will constantly run into two things:

Homosexuals

Critics

What the hell is the deal with all this? Of wait, I forgot one more element you'll find:

Gay Critics

Reality TV is just getting too much right now. And what's worse is that it has nothing to do with reality. Will this madness ever end?

These damn critics. Is there an actual certificate to become one? And if so, is being a homosexual grant you bonus points? If by chance there is someone that is appointing these critics I would like that they please reveal themselves immediately and stand still. Very still. I wouldn't want the sniper to miss.

And most of the time these pseudo-experts are criticizing either fashion or talent. And here's the interesting thing. None of these self-proclaimed critics even look fashionable or appear to have any talent whatsoever.

I mean seriously, have you seen that Queer Eye quintet? Would you dress like them? I can just see it now.... Phil from Marketing going to work with a gold button down short minus the buttons, black corduroy pants, and green alligator boots. Gimme a million breaks already.

And speaking of those Queer Eyes, is it me or do they look a 40ish crowd of N'Sync.

N'Sync

Queer Eye Quintet (Old Ass N'Sync)

So here's my critcism/advice for all these freaks:

"Shut Up. Dress Normal. Get Outta My Television."

'Nuff Said.

Fat Go Bye-Bye

2004-05-26T10:56:00.000-05:00
Despite the fact that I'm the only guy in a room full of overweight middle-aged women, I'm managing to still with the W ight Watchers program. The name is really Weight Watchers, but there is an "e" missing on the sign of the building. For my 10 bucks a week to go, you think they'd spring to at least get a complete sign.

Anyways....

My visiting fat and I plopped on the scale and to my pleasant surprise I shed 3.2 lbs over the week. I was suprised by the weight loss because I have been eating all week long. More so than what I used to eat even. The only difference is what it is that I am eating.

You'd be amazed at the results of your body if you just start gnawing on fruits and vegetables instead of chips and cookies. Even knocking out the regular soda, for Caffiene Free Diet Pepsi does wonders as well.

I feel healthier all around. Even shitting feels like a smoother expulsion than what it formerly was with digested pizza, microwaved burritos, and of course....my formerly hefty supply of high sodium Budget Gourmets.

I'm months away from where I want to be weight wise, so I'll keep you all posted with the results and along the way I'll post updated photos of my shrinking bulged torso as well.

My Vote of Value

2004-05-22T21:50:00.000-05:00
MTV has that this year I either choose to vote or I lose. And a commercial I saw on TV gave me the impression that my single vote is of an extreme value.

While I have voted in the past, I have never voted for a Presidential candidate. In 2000, I was in college having a blast and though I favored Bush, it wasn't enough to compel me to head to the polling booth to cast my single important vote.

However, I buy into MTV's message. My vote does count. My vote does have value. However I'm curious to see how much value my vote has.

When it came time to vote for a new Wisconsin governor, my future father-in-law encouraged me to vote straight Republican all the way down the ballot. And for my good service, I would be rewarded with a dinner at the Olive Garden. My fiancee was offered the same thing. So of course, I voted Republican and had a great meal that night. I figure the meal probably cost around $25. So you could say that $25 was the value of my vote.

But now with the Presidential election around the corner, I'm sure my vote has to be valued much higher than that. Especially when you take into consideration the contraversial recount that occured after the 2000 election. And besides, we're talking about the President here. That's much more of an important position than some Wisconsin governor job.

So my vote is for sale. And it's going to go to the highest bidder. I think it's fair that bidding should begin at $25. Remember. My single vote is important and has value. Keep that in consideration when you place your bid to buy my vote.

Bid with Confidence.

Playing on the Bandwagon

2004-05-19T19:20:00.000-05:00
Weight Watchers has its newest member...

....Me!

I lacked organization in my life. Though the treadmill was right there, I never seemed to find the time to get on it. Since I last mentioned I will start on it, I've only walked on it once for 30-40 minutes. And that's not nearly enough to take these extra pounds off.

So feeling like a girly-man I walked into the Weight Watchers center and signed up. I was quickly informed that I need to lose at least 21 pounds (10% of my current weight).

It's day two now, and I've been eating healthier according to their point system. Interesting thing about it, I feel like I'm eating more. So I'm curious as to how this will take off the weight. But I suppose they are the experts.

I'll keep you all posted on the results.

Happy Birthday Felicia!

2004-05-16T14:27:00.001-05:00
It's my sister's birthday today.

Felicia Ann Green is now 24 years old.

She's a cutie, ain't she?

I would call her up and say, Happy Birthday, but she lives in England and I have no clue what her number is. I was hoping that she would call me.

Me and her were never ones to exchange gifts, but this year I'm thinking of doing something that's special.

Felicia, for your birthday this year, I'll try to forget the fact that your initials are FAG.

Love ya kiddo.

Not Suitable for Any Audiences

2004-05-16T14:27:00.000-05:00
The Motion Picture Association of America seriously needs to add another rating to their current system. There are just some movies that are not suitable to be seen by any audiences. Not because they are filthy, NC-17 covers all that. However there's still a type of movie that just should not be seen. And that's a movie that fucking sucks. I'm amazed how millions of dollars can be put into a film, and then when its put on the big screen it's just a total flop.

With the advent of DVD and VHS movies can now go straight to video to save some embarrassment, but that still doesn't take away from the fact that they still suck.

I say it's time for the MPAA to move aside and let someone else take the reigns. Forget this G, PG, and the rest of the alphabet BS. I just want to know if it's a movie worth seeing.

And to hell with paying a set price for a movie. The shittier the movie, the cheaper it should be to go so. It makes no sense that ass crack movies like The Sweetest Thing should cost the same for admission as great hits like Braveheart or Saving Private Ryan.

I guess that's pretty much why I said to hell with going to the movies in general. I'm a member of Netflix. And if you haven't heard of them yet, then you asssss bettttaaa callllll sommmebbooddyyyy.

Nuke Them All??!!???

2004-05-13T09:42:00.000-05:00
In a conversation I overheard, a guy commented on the situation in Iraq with relationship to the murder of Nick Berg. His comment that caught my ear was, " "I say napalm the whole fucking country already. They are nothing but animals and we will never win there. Just kill them all and then rebuild."

Is that the mentality we're supposed to have about all of this? Something doesn't feel right about that. Correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a terrorist mindset. These crazed idiots in the Middle East say the same thing about America. They want to kill us all.

I believe it's this very same mentality that causes pictures like this to be in existance.

Now I agree with the anger of the gentleman that made the comments. But I don't agree with the content of what he said. Yes it's time for some payback. But let's not hate a nation of people. Let's get the fucking bastards that did this to our fellow American, and others like him.

ADDin' another Letter

2004-05-11T12:24:00.000-05:00
I'm trying to complete the brain disorder alphabet. So far I have A and D. But after the trip to the therapist toay, I was awarded with another letter, H. So now I have am Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (A.D.H.D). Aren't I special? Well I shouldn't say I have it yet, as I haven't been properly diagnosed with either ADD, or ADHD yet.

Judgement day for that looks to be on May 21st, when I see this Polish doctor only known as "Doctor O". The therapist is forwarding all my crazy papers to him, and he'll figure out what's going on with this noggin of mine.

So far it looks like 8 years of pill poppin' for me. Fun stuff.

Commenting on Comments

2004-05-10T19:57:00.000-05:00
Due to the poor format of the comment service I previously had, I made some changes. Comments will now be found at the end of the post where they properly belong. All previous comments have been erased. So if you have something that you wrote that you felt was that darn important to see erased, feel free to repost it.

Rolls Out

2004-05-10T16:23:00.000-05:00
My fiancee has lost over 10 pounds now and she's been very consistant with her Weight Watchers program. So she's keeping up her end of the bargain on us having healthy bodies, which will enhance our relationship with each other.

So that's her success. Wish I could say the same. Over the weekend I ran into a scale at my mom's house. I dared myself to silently weigh my excess baggage. 209.5 lbs. A guy my height should only be around 185 lbs. After the military I picked up some stock in my build, so I tend to give myself a 10 lbs leeway. So I figure I'm a good 15 lbs overweight. Now knowing that I wouldn't think it would look that bad on me. Krista was pretty much fortunate to have her weight be spread evenly over her body for the most part. But I'm not so lucky. Here, see for yourself.

I know it's gross. But I felt the need to show the world my gut. Maybe then out of sheer embarrassment I'll want to do something about it. So today it's back to the treadmill. And I'll keep a steady schedule of running 20-30 minutes a day at least 4 times a week. I figure that should do the trick.

Camel's Anti-Truth

2004-05-09T22:22:00.000-05:00
They really really want us to smoke.

I was on Water Street in Milwaukee on Saturday. The street is littered with a variety of various bars/clubs that's considered to be Milwaukee's "hot spot".

In one bar, I was given a free zippo just by saying that I was a smoker and filling out a small survey. Of course, I'm not a smoker, but I would be foolish to decline a $20+ item given away for free.

Content with my new prize, me and my drinkin' buddies continued our bar hops. In another bar, there was a similar offer. Except this time they were giving away free Camel cigarettes. Two packs to be exact. Again, I still don't smoke, but I filled out the survey and was given my two free packs.

I had mixed feelings about the whole thing. It was a feeling leaning towards disgust. Doesn't R.J. Reynolds make enough money as it is off the suffering of millions? Do they really have to now prey on drug college kids in an attempt to find even more smokers?

I wanted to conduct my own experiment with my two packs of cigarettes. There was about an hour left before bar time and I wanted to see how many of the cigarettes I had that I could give away myself for free.

After an hour of solicitation I was only able to give away 8 cigarettes. You heard me right....8 cigarettes. And I was surprised by that as it's completely stereotypical that you'd find dozens of smokers in bars and clubs. What was even more interesting that twice I was told something to the effect of, "Dude, that's not cool."

No doubt R.J. Reynolds doesn't like those words. So maybe that's why they have to resort to such desperate measures.

How many kids are now going to die from a horrific and painful death, all due to the fact that on one night they were given Camel cigarettes.

The era of smoking is coming to an end. The sooner the better.

Dateline NBC transcript on Quixtar

2004-05-08T14:03:00.000-05:00
I was in the Quixtar business for 3 years. The following is a segment that Dateline aired about the company I was involved with. Let's just say I'm thankful I'm no longer affiliated with that particular company.

**********************************************************************************

Thousands of true believers gathered in celebration at arenas across the country, all convinced they've found the true path to success, to wealth beyond their wildest dreams. The promises are golden, fueling dream they do -- of luxury homes, fancy cars, yachts and private planes. So who are all these people and what are they so worked up about?

The people are distributors for a company called Quixtar, which says it's had $3 billion in sales since 1999. They say the company's special formula for success has made them rich. But their main purpose here is to tell all these thousands of other distributors that they can do it, too.

All they have to do is sell everything from the company's own line of vitamins and cosmetics to name brand appliances and electronics. For that they'll get a percentage of the sales. And if they recruit a ton of other people to do the same they'll get a percentage of the orders placed by everyone they recruit.

The more people they recruit, the richer they can get. And richer, and richer and richer. Sound too good to be true? We thought it did. In fact, it sounded a lot like another company that made news several years back. Amway, a hugely successful business that came under government scrutiny, was fined and ordered to stop making unrealistic promises about income to its distributors.

To find out what Quixtar was up to, we took our hidden cameras to a recruitment meeting in New Jersey -- one of hundreds held around the country each week, and where hundreds of thousands of Quixtar faithful get their start. The first thing we hear is how easy it is to make it in Quixtar.

Greg Fredericks: “If you're somewhat serious, all I mean by somewhat serious -- if you invest maybe, say, 10 to 15 hours a week in your business. This is your own business -- you could generate in the next 12 to 18 months, an extra quarter of a million.”

Tim Sandler [Dateline producer]: “I'm sorry. How much?”

Fredericks: “A quarter million.”

Sandler: “You're making more than $250,000 -- quarter of a million?”

Fredericks: “Umm hmm.”

The recruiter, Greg Fredericks, sure gets our attention when he says he himself has made it big on the Quixtar plan.

Fredericks: “I owe nobody nothing. You know, today I'm looking at a million dollar home, a thousand dollar Rolex just for kicks. And I just got a brand new Lincoln Navigator sitting out front paid for cash. So things are good.”

And he says those kinds of riches are ours for the taking. And on top of getting rich, we'd also be able to make our own hours and spend more time with our family. So at another meeting, after paying $200 for a starter kit, we sign up and are officially introduced to the Fredericks team.

The first step is to think positive.

Fredericks: “So I don't put anything into my head that's going to cause me to be thinking outside my positive role.”

That means, no TV, no reading newspapers.

The second – and perhaps most important – step, is we're told to buy motivational books and tapes from top Quixtar distributors.

Fredericks: “Reading. I would recommend you start reading. Do 15 minutes to about a half hour a day.”

Those books and tapes are going to cost us, but one of Fredericks's associates says they hold the key to our success. Still, it's not just buying the books and tapes, which can go for about $60 a month. We're also urged to spend money on seminars for about another $50 a month. And within days of becoming Quixtar distributors, we're told of one big event we shouldn't miss.

Fredericks: “This is going to be the function of the year.”

A few hundred dollars later, we find ourselves on a bus ride -- a 14 hour bus ride from New Jersey to South Carolina for something called "Spring Leadership Weekend." To Fredericks and others it's not just a business trip, it's a pilgrimage.

Fredericks: “Lord, we ask you for a spirit of openness so that we might go down to Greenville, South Carolina, Lord, and that we might be changed. In Jesus's might name we say, Amen.”

Group: “Amen.”

Fredericks: “Let's have a great weekend.”

At the arena in South Carolina, people have been sleeping outside, like teenagers at a rock concert. When we arrive the next day it's not long before the crowd swells and we're part of a fevered rush to get inside -- 15,000 pack the arena as we thrill to a carefully choreographed show that promises money and everything that comes with it. We're urged by those successful Quixtar distributors on stage to dream big like they do.

The excitement builds with each success story. One man says he once ran a car wash. His vision of financial freedom moves the crowd to a chant we hear over and over again.

Crowd: "Freedom! Flush that stinking job!"

The speakers are treated like superstars, all living testaments to what happens when you follow the Quixtar plan. But there's one who's become an icon. If Quixtar is a religion, one man is its pope. His name is Bill Britt, and legend has it he's worth millions, all because of Quixtar.

Bill Britt: “I got into this business for five reasons. Good reasons. The first one was money. The second reason I got in was for money. In fact, that's what all five reasons were.”

So devoted are the followers, many in the crowd with us become sleep deprived, afraid to miss out on advice that will make them millionaires. Such devotion is hard to fathom, but we see just how far it goes on the last night of the weekend, when a single candle is lit. Soon the dark arena becomes a tabernacle, a shrine to the Quixtar dream.

For some, there is a solemn and tearful promise to their leaders. But are the leaders keeping their promises to the faithful? What the thousands lighting candles in this arena don't realize is that 99.9 percent of them will not only never get rich from Quixtar, but they won't even come close.

The freedom to flush that stinking job--that's the promise. And that's exactly what Eric Scheibeler did.

Eric Scheibeler: “I thought if I could create a six figure income and spend time with my family, I'd do anything for that.”

Scheibeler, at the time a federal auditor, had heard the stories and seen the videos. He signed up, and after a few years working part time in the business, he ceremoniously shot his own alarm clock. He triumphantly quit his day job. And with a limo waiting it was party time as he walked into the welcoming arms of his family and friends in the business.

Chris Hansen: “Goodbye boss, hello family.”

Scheibeler: “That's right. Exactly. It seemed to be the American dream.”

But instead of a life of leisure and more time with his family, he says he worked day and night, buying the tapes, attending the rallies. Still, he made nowhere near the six figure salary he thought he would. In fact, in his best year he made $34,000 and even that didn't last.

Hansen: “What do you have today?”

Scheibeler: “We're destitute, financially. We'll change that. But financially we have nothing as a specific result of this.”

We heard it again and again. People who worked the Quixtar plan, only to suffer in the end.

Vicki Mack: “It's hurt us. It's hurt a lot of people.”

Vicki and Lindy Mack say they not only didn't make money, they lost more than $35,000 over a five year period. Much of it on books, tapes, and traveling to rallies.

Hansen: “That by the way, is like a year at Harvard.”

Vicki Mack: “No kidding. I know that. We know that.”

So why, despite the promises, did the Macks and thousands of others end up on the losing end of the Quixtar dream? One man says it's because it's based on a lie. And he should know. His name is Bo Short, and for a time, he was selling the dream himself as one of Quixtar's brightest stars. But he says, he began to realize he was part of a mass deception.

Hansen: “You see these videos of these attractive couples driving Porches and Ferraris. Panoramic shots of palatial mansions.”

Bo Short: “They're beautiful. Right.”

Hansen: “Is that actually achievable by selling Quixtar products?”

Short: “Based on my experiences, no.”

Hansen: “How are people getting all of this stuff then?”

Short: “There is another business.”

And it's a business that is completely separate from Quixtar, a hidden business that most recruits don't realize exists. Short says many of those high-level distributors singing the praises of Quixtar on stage are actually making most of their money by selling motivational books, tapes and seminars -- not Quixtar's cosmetics, soaps and electronics.

Hansen: “This was the dirty little secret.”

Short: “That's exactly what it was, absolutely.”

Hansen: “That's not what you hear at the conventions.”

Short: “No, and that's not what you're told in somebody's living room when you see it either.”

In fact, about 20 high level distributors are part of an exclusive club, one that those hundreds of thousands of other distributors don't get to join. For years only a privileged few, including Bill Britt, have run hugely profitable businesses, selling all those books, tapes and seminars -- things the rank and file distributors can't sell themselves, but are told over and over again they need to buy in order to succeed.

Hansen: “Why are the recruits told to listen to the tapes and read the books over and over and over again?”

Short: “Because it creates a dependency and it creates a habit that keeps you bound to that business.”

Vicki Mack knows all about that. Even though she's a medical doctor, a pediatrician with a thriving practice, she found herself slaving away in the pursuit of new Quixtar recruits. After all, new recruits mean new sales and new sales mean more money.

Vicki Mack: “We'd be out, just even hanging out at McDonald's at the play places talking to parents.”

Hansen: “At McDonalds?”

Vicki Mack: “Yeah.”

Hansen: “Now you graduated from Berkeley.”

Mack: “Uh-huh.”

Hansen: “Went to medical school.”

Mack: “Uh-huh.”

Hansen: “Making a very fine salary as a pediatrician.”

Mack: “Yeah.”

Hansen: “And yet you're in a mall at a McDonald's on a Saturday trying to sell this thing.”

Mack: “Yeah.”

None of this surprises Bo Short. Not the commitment of time and money, not the emotion as we saw at the rally we attended.

Hansen: “There's a man with tears.”

Short: “There are probably many people with tears. And not all of those tears are because they're committed to it. Many of those tears are because they have worked diligently and are not any closer.”

Hansen: “If this is not a legitimate business opportunity, then in reality, in your opinion, what is it?”

Lindy Mack: “I would use the word scam.”

Vicki Mack: “That's what I was thinking too.”

Bo Short says, when he and several other high level distributors began to suspect the same thing, they confronted the company's managing director, Ken McDonald.

Short: “I said, 'Ken, I believe that people are stealing money and you're letting it happen.' And he didn't respond… And I remember looking at him a few minutes later. I said, 'Ken, kick some of them out. Show people you're serious.' And he looked at me and said, 'What would happen to the business?'”

Short says the company acknowledged it had been aware of the problem for decades. How could that be? Remember when we said Quixtar sounded a little like Amway--a company which drew the ire of the federal government several years back for making false promises to recruits? Well it turns out Quixtar isn't just like Amway -- it was Amway. Quixtar is just its new incarnation with many of the same players.

Eric Scheibeler and the Macks began as Amway distributors. And many of those same high-level Quixtar distributors also began with Amway. So did Bo Short, who says he decided to walk away from the business and all the money that came with it.

Hansen: “You were a poster boy for this outfit. You were on the company yacht. Are you now turning around and biting the hand that fed you?”

Short: “I don't care if anyone thinks I'm biting anyone's hand that fed me. I'm telling the truth.”

Quixtar declined to be interviewed on camera. But its managing director, Ken McDonald says in a letter that Short's recollection of events is "misleading" and he questions Short's "motivation" for speaking out. Short does run a small direct marketing firm himself and Quixtar considers him a potential competitor.

Quixtar also says it "prohibits" its independent distributors from making exaggerated claims about income. As for the company's income, most of that comes from the sale of products, not from tapes and books and tickets to rallies. In its contracts, the company discloses that some distributors do make money from those sales but that buying those materials is "strictly voluntary."

As for Bill Britt and some of the other top-level distributors we saw on stage, they also declined our request for an on-camera interview. But their lawyer told us in a letter that the income claims we heard are "not promoted or endorsed" by Britt and those other top distributors. He also wrote that buying the books and tapes is "voluntary"... and that how much they make from those sales "is not available."

So how much does an average Quixtar distributor really make? Well, only about $1,400 per year. What's the source for that figure? It's Quixtar itself. You can find it in the fine print of the company's own registration materials. That's $248,600 less than what our recruiter, Greg Fredericks, said we could make.

We caught up with him at one of his recruitment meetings.

Hansen: “We're doing a story on Quixtar and Quixtar distributors.”

Fredericks: “Okay.”

Hansen: “And these folks here work with me.”

Fredericks: “Oh, great.”

Hansen: “ And we wanted to ask you a couple of questions.”

Fredericks: “Sure.”

First we reminded him about the money he said we could make.

Hansen: “Are you really making...”

Fredericks: "I'm not disclosing that.”

Hansen: "A quarter million dollars by working merely 15, 16 hours a week?

Fredericks: “[affirms] But I'm not going to disclose to you my information as far as my personal income.”

But what he did let slip when he didn't know the camera was rolling was that one of the elite distributors we saw on stage is making most of his money from the motivation business.

Fredericks: “Probably three quarters of it.”

Sandler: “And that's from seminars -- holding seminars?”

Fredericks: “Seminars, rallies, functions, motivational tools, tapes, books, speaking engagements, appearances.”

But he didn't seem to remember saying that.

Fredericks: “I don't know where that number came from. You're mentioning a number, three quarters of what his income is...”

Hansen: “That's what you said, not what I said.”

Fredericks: “Did I say that?”

And that's about all he had to say. Later we found something else about Fredericks. Back in the mid 90s, he was arrested and charged with possession of crack cocaine and is still wanted by police to face charges in North Carolina.

What about others involved in Quixtar? Both the FBI and the criminal division of the IRS are making separate inquiries into at least two top distributors not focused on in this report. In the meantime, hundreds of thousands of true believers are drawn into Quixtar every year, dazzled by the promise of the good life. But unless things change, says Bo Short, it's a broken promise that will leave broken hearts.

Short: “I think people are being hurt. Because understand, the majority of people in the audience believe, or desperately, desperately want to believe this. And they sit there with their hearts in it. What about them?”

Some former high-level distributors have filed a lawsuit against Quixtar in federal court, accusing the company of antitrust violations and conspiracy. Quixtar disputes the allegations and says it hopes the matter will be resolved through arbitration.

1984 revisited

2004-05-06T09:40:00.000-05:00
At any point in time are we going to just want to be okay with the truths of war and 9-11? I can't speak for everyone, but I know I'm kinda feed up with all the touchy touchy feel good, don't say anything wrong kinda stuff.

We get to watch the slaughter of a wounded Iraqi militant while Marines laugh on CNN....

Click here to see CNN clip

....but we can't see pictures of US soldiers dead. It seems like only foreign media sources are interested in telling both sides of the story.

Slain US Soldier in Iraq (Picture Only)

I know...it's a horrific picture. But it too is the reality of what's going on over there. Just take a minute to look at the two different media sources. Something is very off when it comes to what we are allowed to see and what remains hidden.

I don't get it. If we're in a war, and we want to support the war in full, then we need to know the reality of the war. What's with all this censorship? We can't have a true democratic republic, when the democracy can't see what's really going on with the republic.

ADDin' it up

2004-05-04T17:13:00.000-05:00
A therapist on Monday told me that I could possibly have Attention Deficit Disorder (A.D.D.) Talking with him it's been discovered that I carry many of the attributes and symptoms. Of course it's not certain yet that I might have A.D.D., so I needed to fill out some paperwork and review some materials to better assess myself.

So what do I get?

About 40 pages of material. I might have A.D.D. and they give me something that probably won't hold my attention. Go Figure.

Unless of course that is the test. To see if I read through the material or not.

Freaky Friday

2004-05-01T12:12:00.000-05:00
The telephone rings and I answer.

"Shawn, my mom needs $200."

"Oh come on. Again?!?"

My fiancee's mother seriously needs to grow up. You'd think that her daughter was her own mother. This women acts just like a reckless teenager out of control:

1- Can't drop the loser drug dealing/addict boyfriend who steals from her
2- Spends all her money and has no clue where it goes
3- Constantly complains
4- Suffers from self induced depression
5- Completely selfish
6- Thinks the world should been backwards for her

And frankly, I'm tired of it. It's like every two weeks we get the call where we have to toss more money her way. Shouldn't it be the other way around? Krista and I are the young couple trying to survive in the world. Shouldn't we be asking her for the financial assistance? Who's raising who here?

If I had it my way, I'd just let her crash and burn and learn from her own mistakes. I mean she wants money from us, yet her 10 year old kid has all the newest and most expesnive toys. She's suffering from a lack of cash, yet she has the ultimate entertainment set complete with the best digital cable package offered in this area. And the craziest thing of it all....she makes twice as much as us. So what the hell is up?

Something has to give. This can't keep going on.

Fat gets exiction notice.

2004-04-29T17:19:00.000-05:00
I recall my college days when there was a thing known as "the Freshman 15". What that pretty much means is that you'll gain 15 pounds due to the overconsumption of beer and other substances that make ya pudgy. And sure enough, I saw plenty girls and guys plump out their first year. Some more than others. At the time I was still in the military, so was able to pig out and burn all that nasty stuff off.

Years later, things have changed. And I wasn't prepared for them. No one told me about the, "got a girl and now you're a lazy fuck" fat. And I'm a victim of it, and was not even aware. How'd this come to be? Why'd it take me so long to figure out what was going wrong?

Here I was last week, taking a leak and I realized something. I can't see my dick. What the heck's up with that? Maybe I'm exaggerating a bit, but looking straight down I couldn't see my manhood. I had to bend forward a few inches to catch a glimpse.

Still in utter amazement, I walked over to our full length mirror in the bedroom and I recieved my confirmation. I indeed have become a bit of a fat fuck. And I'm not pleased. And here I was critising my fiancee for her weight and I was letting myself slip as well.

So today I decided to do something about it. I've already been periodically running on the treadmill for two weeks now, but I wanted to up the scale a bit. So I decided to start doing some pushups and situps. There was a time I could do 50 of each in a single sitting and go on about my day. So how did I add up today against that?

29 situps
2 pushups

Can you believe that shit?!??! 2 stinkin' pushups!!!!

I am not a happy camper. And I won't be a content fat camper either. So this fats gotta go, and in return I'm opening occupancy for some lean muscle. So if you know of any, be sure to send it my way.

And to satisfy my ego that I think you guys actually give a hoot about my losing these excess weight and gaining my strength back, I'll be periodically posting my performance. And get that smile off your face. I'm already disgusted about those 2 tiddly pushups.

My Clone and Me

2004-04-25T07:26:00.000-05:00
I like myself. Granted there are some things that I work to change, but overall I'm pleased with who I am.

But today at the grocery story I bought a clone of myself. Identical me. Took 10 minutes to create me. And I must say, I'm a good looking gent when checking myself out.

A thought crossed my mind as me and my clone walked across the grocery store parking lot and back to the car. "Am I going to like this dude?"

On the way to the car neither one of us talked to each other yet. I mean what is it that we have to say. At this point everything he knows I know. As I headed to the driver's side door I realized that my clone was headed that way too. We both like to drive and be in control of any vehicle we take out on the road. I conceded and let my clone drive hoping there wasn't any disfunction in his genetic makeup.

"Be careful', was my first words to him.

"Dude, you know I am", came his reply.

Do I really sound like that? I always thought I sounded bolder. It must be just him. After all, I can't expect a copy to be just like me? Can I?

As we were driving, I realized how shitty of a driver my clone was. I always thought I was the safest driver in the world, but this clude has one hand on the steering wheel and the other drinking out of my soda. My Soda!!

"Dude, that's mine," I expelled grabbing the bottle from his hand before his backwash would go back in the bottle.

"Gimme a million breaks," my clone defended. "From my point of view this is my soda."

He had a point. Our genes were identical. But just the thought of another person's backwash in my soda was not something I can jive with. But maybe he was a bit thirsty from the cloning process, so I handed the bottle back to him.

After finishing the soda and tossing it on the floor by my feet, he chuckled. "What do yo think Krista is going to say about you?"

About me? Heck this dude's the clone. But I suppose she might get ticked off that she's going to have to deal with two of us now. And it was my money that was spent on this whole cloning deal. Damn product placement. I went in to buy some milk and carrots, and come out with a clone.

"Heck I was thinking we didn't have to tell her," I answered. "I was just figuring..."

"...that the clone go out there nasty and the original could stay at home and raise the family. And maybe once in awhile, we'd switch off." the clone finished my thought.

Before I questioned how he knew that I realized that he shared all my thoughts up until the point of the actual cloning process. "Kinda sounds stupid now that we're both here eh? I love Krista just as much as you. And if you're not going to cheat on her, then why the heck do you think I would be willing to?" my clone concluded the thought.

My clone poised a good question. And he knew that I knew it was a good question. After all, I'm good at asking good questions, and I wouldn't expect anything less from my clone.

"I was figuring since that I'm the one engaged to her..."

My clone darted a look over to me completely ignoring the road. "What? Wait, wait, wait...."

Putting his attention back on the traffic, he slowed down and pulled over to the road. He looked back at me, "Look, we might be the same, but from this point on we can't obviously live the same."

"Your point?" I asked with a raised eyebrow.

"I'm sure you're not going to want to hear this as I know I wouldn't want to here it, but dude, you're a fucking clone. My life is my life. You were just an impulse purchase that I thought would be cool to have around."

I looked at my clone in horror at what he disclosed to me. It was at that point I felt something dangling from my ear. Reaching up I yanked it off in my confused fury. In my hands I held a price tag. My God, I'm the clone.

**********************************************************************************

Moral of the story?

Human cloning sucks.

A Growing Army of One

2004-04-19T20:43:00.000-05:00
A Fresh Start

Money for College.

A Great Addition to a Resume.

These are the reasons kids enter today's military by the thousands. And luckily for most of them, the Army makes good on their promises. But the reasons today are drastically different from those of before, and I feel an uneasy presense of the hearts of those who are currently fighting our "war" against Iraq.

My grandpa and his brother-in-law both fought in WW II. Eddie, the brother-in-law, fought on the front lines of the Army's Infrantry and took out opposing Nazi pillboxes. He was injured in combat, sent back to the med center to get doctored up, and before he was fully recovered he demanded that he return to the front lines. His reason, "The guys needed him."

The all needed each other. There was such a powerful bond that connected the hearts of many during those turbulent years. They had much more to fight for. The Nazis were literally in a position to take over the world, the American economy was shaky, and the Russians always were an ever present threat to our American Way of life.

I've seen many dead faces immortalized in pictures of those that were lost in WW II. Those men truly were heroes. I've also seen the many dead faces of those that have fought in Iraq. And as much as I want to, I can't feel the same way. I don't see a hero. I see a kid who just wanted some college money and now there he is lying dead with a bullet in his head and an Baath party loyalist prancing around him.

There's something very wrong with that picture.

I don't know what we're over there fighting for and the longer we stay out there I would imagine the hearts of those that are in that war are bending to similar feelings.

Mr. Bush. Bring our boys home.

Lose Weight. Feel Great. Try Not to Die.

2004-04-15T13:48:00.000-05:00
My day is speckled with constant advertisements to enhance this, loss that, gain this, get rid of that. And the majority of them have all one thing in common when they advertise:

They use the key words.....All Natural.

Now for some reason, people rush to the checkout lines with their arms full of things because they are under the belief that if it's all natural, it has to be good. I mean heck, if God made dirt, then dirt don't hurt right?

WRONG!!!!

Come on people let's get a bit smarter about the things we buy. I want to believe you're all logical in decisions, but at the promise of a bigger dick, firmer tits, and a body to fit in a size two dress you all seem to lose your damn sense.

But heck, I'm going to promote off this idocy too.

There's this drink I'm going to make. And guess what it's all natural. Completely straight from Mother Nature to your refrigerator. To make it easy, I'll even put it in liquid form. And this is going to be a miracle drink too. I'll give you all types of promises of miraculous changes from countless testimonies. Look for the drink in a store near you. It'll come in a flashy can, and I'll be sure to stamp, ALL NATURAL!!! right on the label. Even the name will be catchy, Urazzle Dazzle. But try not to look at the ingredient label. Cause even though this drink is all natural, you might not like the idea of it's main active ingredient: Uranium. Oh but, don't worry. If you don't want that I'll be sure to have my imitation Atkins Anthrax Bars to serve you to. Heck, I mean Anthrax is all natural too....so it has to be good.

Be mindful of what you flock to. Cause if you're just one of the sheep, you'll never realize you stampeded off the cliff with the rest until it's too late.

'Nuff said.

Employee Lies to Boss - As if that was really news.

2004-04-12T16:13:00.000-05:00
I wanted a day off.

Mainly I needed to reset my biological sleeping clock. Working third shift screwed me up on that, so I figured if I took an extra day off this holiday weekend, I could get the sleep I needed at the proper hour I needed to set myself back on track.

Of course I needed to call into the boss at work and let them know I'm not coming in. But of course, I can't just say I'm not coming in and leave it at that. Nor could I call them and tell them the reasoning that I wanted to take that day off. (Keep in mind, I'm new to this company and don't have any paid days off that I can take.)

So what do I do?

I call my love and we devise a sinister plot to lie to my boss. But what story do I need to tell them? I already used up my liquid bowel excuse the week before when I wanted a day off, so I can't use that one again. So brainstormed for like 10 minutes then came up with our story.

Our story was that her brother came back in town from the Navy to celebrate Easter with us. He borrowed our car said he wanted to go visit some friends. And my placed me in Milwaukee with my family, which is an hour and a half away. Well her brother isn't able to be reached as his cellphone service isn't connecting him. And we have no idea where the car is so that I can get back to Janesville to get to work. Soooo, I'm not going to be able to go to work.

Now here's my gripe....

Why do I have to lie in the first place? Why can't I just say, "Hey I'm not coming in cause I'll be too tired" and leave it at that? Well I guess I could, but they won't give a shit and they'll want me to come in anyways. And what sense would that make to have a weary employee on the job. You'd think they'd want the best for me so that I can fully function properly on the job.

Stupid Corporate Politics.

Happy Easter

2004-04-11T14:55:00.000-05:00
Whether you are celebrating the ressurection of Christ...

or are just hunting around for eggs left by the Easter bunny...

or an atheist wishing Easter would fall on Monday for the extra day off....

I wish you the very best. Enjoy your families.

"Known Murderer Free Without Trial"

2004-04-10T14:20:00.000-05:00
As I sat upstairs enjoying my boredom, I heard harsh words of verbal discontent as my wallet came back home from the movies with her younger brother, sister, and father. It sounded as if an argument was brewing, and at least one door slammed.

My wallet stormed up the stairs and I could see that she was visibally upset about something. What followed was a brief argument due to her displacement of agression, but that's another topic for yet another day.

While calm, I asked her what was the matter? Why this agression? Who are you really mad at? She relaxed with my calm understanding, and let me know the true cause of her negativity.

Apparently, the lighter of our two fat cats, Zeus, was caught tortoring a screaming baby rabbit on the porch as they were exiting the car in the driveway. It was a horrifying event for my love as she has an attachment for animals and can't bear to see such "inhumanity". All blame went to her younger 14 year old sister as she was the one that let the cat out. And we all know what Zeus is a sadistic serial killer while outside, so we shouldn't let him out.

Something struck me as being a bit off. Zeus is a common house cat. And one thing that's known about the housecat is that they are cold blooded killers. I mean seriously, these cats kill millions upon millions of mice, birds, and other small creatures annually. They kill for the sake of pure entertainment. It's in their nature. And who are we to keep a cat from doing what it does naturally?

People create these false personafications of their domesticated animals. They want to believe they are cute and cuddly and could do no harm. But even our dog is guilty of "murdering" two members of that same rabbit family that inhabits our garden.

In my opinion, let them be as they are. Why cage them in their prison we call home? It's apparent that these animals yearn for the outside. Half the day the cats are staring out the window daydreaming of all the mice to kill. And everytime the dog hears the jingle of the car keys, he flips out in hopes that he can come along for the ride.

Anger was not the emotion my dear love should have had. Rather it should have been that of acceptance. Zeus is a crazed killer cat. I can accept that.

"Conditions of Unconditional Love"

2004-04-09T20:47:00.000-05:00
I'm pretty sure I violated on of the sacred rules of relationships.

I've been with my wallet for three years now. We're engaged, but there is no set wedding date, nor even talks of setting a wedding date. But that's another story for another day.

I've noticed that she was starting to put on some weight. It wasn't so bad at first for the first two years as the added weight seemed to divide itself evenly over her entire body. So though, she was heavier, I really didn't take mind.

However, over the last year, the weight started giving her body new shape. Her stomach started to bulge, her legs got thicker, and her butt increased by a good 24%. Still, I put it off. Then I noticed that her face was starting to change. Her cute little head started getting rounder. That's when it really started to bother me. I kept quiet for sometime, as I know it's against all rules to never mention anything about a woman's weight. Especially the one you say you love. And I do. I tell her I love her at least a dozen times a day.

So in conversation one day, I broke one of those sacred rules. I told her that I don't think I could be in a relationship with a fat woman. I don't think I said it in those exact words as I probably said something worse like the habitual idiot I can be. Nothing overtly or covertly mean, mind you. I knew it was going to hurt her feelings, but it needed to be said. And in fact her feelings did get hurt. We talked about it briefly, and it was a difficult conversation to have. It was then that she threw out the line that sparked this topic:

"If you love me, it shouldn't matter."

I'm a bit of a realist. And I gave a typical realist response:

"Bullshit."

Love needs to come with a contract.

"I hereby do solemnly swear to love you, as long as you [state conditions here]...."

I'm not kiddin' either. I don't believe in the nature of any courtship should there be this unconditional love. I didn't say my vows yet. I didn't vow to be with her for good and the bad and all that jazz. So why shouldn't I be allowed to have conditions on our current love? I certainly would assume that she would have the same for me as well.

Let's say, I get hit by a car and I'm paralyzed for life. That's a tragic event, and maybe I'm being a bit extreme but I have a point here. She didn't sign on for that in this courtship. It would be different if we were married, but for now I couldn't blame her if she left me. Heck, I wouldn't want to wipe my paralyzed ass either if I were her.

I stuck to my guns on this issue. And we worked it out. She's going to Weight Watchers and has already lost 4 pounds. And as a testament to the idealogy that we both need to be in shape, I've begun an 8 week training for a race I'll be running on June 6.

And if anything, I think that this boosted the strength of our relationship, as we are both learning to realize that there are certain things we both need to do to keep the other happy in the relationship.

"Mankind Falls Asleep While Searching for Cure to Sleep"

2004-04-08T12:54:00.000-05:00
"We all get 24 hours in the same day."

What a bunch of crock that is. It would be nice if it were true. But it appears that we only get 16 hours a day on average. 8 of my given hours are slept in an unconcious state. What's the deal with that? You would think that a race that can send a robot to Mars, can cure polio, can teach a gorilla sign language, can figure out how to increase the productivity of our own days.

Seriously, how inconvenient is sleep? Not only does it want us for 8 hours, but it'll take take two more of our hours as well. One to actually get tired and fall asleep, and the other to fully wake up from the burden of sleep to become fully functional again. So if I want to be that anal, I'd say we only have 14 hours a day on average.

And whatever it's supposed to be doing while we're asleep doesn't seem to be working out that well. Humans are the only creatures to go to bed awake and wake up tired? I mean this is going way to far now with this ancient form of re-energizing. They have complex cars that can recharge in a matter of hours, yet it takes a lightweight human brain 8 hours to get back on the right track.

Millions of people are already attempting to break this 8 hour mold. They are literally rebelling against sleep. This rebellion has been titled "Insomnia". And what do our so called experts do about it? Rather than seeing this as an opportuntiy to remove this burden of sleep from us, they decide to call the rebellion the "disorder." So millions of hours and dollars are spent to "cure" us from this growing rebellion. What a stinkin' waste! If they put that same effort into the development of this rebellion, we might be at a position today where sleep is merely a choice and not this ancient form of required revitalization.

This disease known as sleep isn't something that we can just will away. Now amount of "positive thinking" can rid us of this 8 hour daily plague. We need those that are educated among us to being this search for a cure. And this cure needs to be found immediately.

Why you ask? Millions of people are killed due to sleep and it's disadvantages.. Whether it be that they were unaware of medical problems while under the submission of this mind-controlling menace, or driving while under the influence of sleep's symtpoms, or even mutating into a heart-wrenching illness that takes the lives of our infant children with no explanation or reason left in it's cruel wake. This is just one small part of this destruction. I could spend hours going on about other perils such as the high unemployement rate due to millions falling asleep on the job, etc.

I for one have had enough of this barbarian. It's time to take back these 8 hours each day that are continually robbed from us literally like a thief in the night. Urge your congressman to pass a bill that will require federal funding to go to any and all medical experts that wish to join this fight.

Mankind will prevail....wide awake.

2004-04-07T13:25:00.000-05:00
My Mind News Debuts

This is my mind. And you're getting a free all expense access pass to it. Okay, let me quit lying. You're getting a free "ad supported" access pass to it. I don't like ads anymore than you, but my wallet reminded me of how it will kick my ass if I buy one more piece of "web junk". It's interesting how my wallet's voice sounds identical to that of my fiancee. Come to think of it, they look the same too. The ads will go away when either you all pay for it, or my wallet stops giving me blowjobs.

Just like the world, my mind has a million things going on at once. So much to do. So much to see. So much to investage. So much pain. So much joy. So much love. So much hate. So much knowledge to be had. So many unknown mysteries. It's impossible to see everything out there in the world, so what do we do. We turn on CNN. There you'll get the news that's been deemed important. It's a rare thing to step into a guy's brain and start looking around. You might run into somethings that you might get you into trouble. So, naturally, I'm going to better facilitate things for you.

And thus the birth of My Mind News (MMN). It's impossible to see so much of my brain all at once everyday, so what's been deemed important is what you'll get the chance to see. Think of it as the CNN of my mind. Wait....scratch that. Come to think of it, CNN can kiss my ass with all that liberal censored crap they air. Rather, think of My Mind News as the BBC News of my brain. Where you'll get the must unfilitered truth of my brain's events as it can possibly be.